Confessions of an (Infertile) Shopaholic

Updates

2010-09-15T15:15:00.000-05:00

Its been awhile since I posted. Life has just been so crazy busy - and I've been trying to keep myself distracted. Sorry, I'm such a bad blogger. I do read all of your blogs though, even if I don't always comment.

We move into our house this weekend which is super exciting. We got possession September 1st so have been able to slowly move things in. Most of our boxes are over there and most of the kitchen stuff has been unpacked so its really just the big stuff left. I can't wait to be there and get settled and focus on how I'm going to decorate and what I'm going to do in the yard. It may not be a big, beautiful house, but it's ours. Our very first house together!

Work has been good but crazy. I started the new job a couple of weeks ago and so far so good. I found out that my old co-worker (the crazy lady) almost cost me this job by all her complaining to everyone about me. Made me really upset to find out how much she apparently doesn't like me, but I'm trying to just brush it off, she's not worth the energy.

As far as things on the IF front, well yesterday was CD1. I'm just waiting on a call from the RE's office to see if I can start Clomid again this week. I really don't want to take another month off. I don't think that I actually posted this on here, but last month was an early miscarriage for me. It really sucks, but was nice to know that I was feeling real things. I'm trying to not think about it a lot though. I don't want to get back into that dark place that I was earlier this year. So just trying to focus on the positive and on all the things that are happening for us right now.

Frustrated

2010-08-18T17:46:00.000-05:00

So I had my follow up appointment with my RE today. And, in his words, "he doesn't know what to do with me".

I started AF, or so I thought on Friday. But (TMI warning ahead) it was brownish and really light. That continued till Sunday when it got a bit darker but still light. Then last night I was doing laundry and all of a sudden I felt a gush. I went to the washroom and it was a huge clot and was bright red. Then today it was back to brown.

When I was at the RE last he had given me a req to get bloodwork done on CD25. I asked the nurse at the clinic if it was for this cycle or the Clomid one. She told me that one so I got it done but apparently it was supposed to be this cycle. Sigh. So he really has nothing to go on this cycle. I could have had a m/c but he's not sure. I could have implanted late, but he's not sure. I did some bloodwork today so we'll see what comes of that. I'm not sure if I should test again tomorrow. Or will I just be disappointed again?

I'm just so frustrated. I don't know what to think right now. I don't know what's happening with my body and that's so frustrating.

Good things

2010-08-14T12:10:00.000-05:00

Thanks for your kind comments and words of support. I'm feeling sad...but I need to move on. I can't sit and dwell on this. It's hard because I let myself be SO sure, you know? It's the first time in what, 6 years, that I've let myself really hope so the letdown is hard.

J knows how hard this has been and he's been so wonderful. I'm so fortunate to have him as my husband. We've been looking for a bigger place for awhile now but hadn't been able to find anything nice. The other day a friend mentioned he had a house for rent so we went and took a look at it. It was amazing!! He wanted someone for September 1st though and we weren't able to find someone to take over our lease that quickly. So J, being the amazing guy that he is, told him that we would take it for Sept 1st - even though that means we have to pay 2 rents for September. I feel a bit stressed about that - the fact that we're putting so much money out, but J knows how much this means. How much I really need a change and a place where I can putter around and have a pet. So that I don't have to focus on IF all the time. It's an amazing place for a great rent. It just makes me happy to think about it! I'll try and post some pics once we get the keys.

And some more good news. I got the job!! I start August 30th. I'm so glad to be away from crazy moody lady. Its a lot more responsibility, but I'm really looking forward to being able to sink my teeth into something.

So all in all, despite the Clomid not working, it hasn't been a terrible week.

CD1

2010-08-13T09:43:00.002-05:00

Yep. You read that right. It didn’t work this month. Feeling so, so sad right now.

2WW

2010-08-07T22:43:00.000-05:00

Well I'm about half way into my 2WW now. And I'm so trying not to freak out. I'm trying to stay busy and occupied so that I don't let myself think and worry. Its so hard though. Every little twinge or symptom makes me wonder if the Clomid actually worked. I worry that I've let myself be too hopeful, too happy about all of this and that it's just going to come crashing down around me when AF shows up. I'm on CD22 so I have a few days before it'll appear (or not!!). I've been feeling SO tired and really crampy. Anyone else taking Clomid have crazy side effects?

And work...is really not helping right now. I've been doing two half time jobs. One is boring but I have awesome co-workers and the other is interesting but I have a horrible co-worker. For that one, she took a months vacation so asked me to cover while she was away. So I did her job and mine in half time. I worked 50 hours a week for the last month. I came in every Sunday to get stuff done. And when she came back this week she didn't give me one word of praise. It was all about what I had done wrong. I took the day off yesterday to just rest (since I've banked almost 2 weeks of OT) and she had the nerve to call me, on my day off, to ask me some questions on some things I had apparently done wrong. She's such a control freak that she's spent the past week going over absolutely everything I did over the last month. Just writing about this still makes me so upset. This is not what I need right now! On a happy note...I do have an interview on Monday for a position similar to what I am doing now but in another department. I really, really hope I get it. It would be one full time job instead of two part time ones. J wants me to just quit the bad job, but I don't want to be stressing about money right now either. There just never seems to be a happy medium hey?

Happy Bloggoversary to me!!!!

2010-07-29T09:23:00.002-05:00

Happy Bloggoversary to me! Yesterday was my one year anniversary of blogging. Can’t believe its been that long already. This time last year I was in a place where I wasn’t able to do anything. It felt like we had no hope at all. And that led me to a really dark place. But I’ve managed to pull myself out of that and feel so much better. But I couldn’t have done it without the support of my two IRL friends who know about and read this blog. You know who you are. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there for me, even when I wasn’t able to give anything back to you. And I of course can’t leave out my dear readers and this awesome blog community. I sort of stumbled into it by accident, but it was one of the best accidents that I’ve ever had! Haha. All kidding aside, it’s been amazing. Reading all of your stories, receiving your words of encouragement, just knowing that you are not alone makes this crazy journey so much easier.

Well I said I was doing great with the Clomid and had few side effects. Well that most definitely changed in the last couple of days.

I had a total meltdown Monday over a mistake I made at work. Like crying, no - make that bawling - over a stupid mistake. At least it stopped the person complaining from doing that again! Poor J, he’s been dealing with me being happy and sad and angry all at once. And the hot flashes – oh my goodness. It’s already in the 90’s here then add me being over heated? Just picture a big snivelling, red-faced, sweating pile of hormones and that’s me right now.

Let the fun begin

2010-07-25T12:36:00.000-05:00

So I took my last pill of Clomid last night. Been feeling SUPER tired and a bit emotional from it but all in all it hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be. It's just so weird to think that we might have a shot this cycle. That I'll actually be doing a 2WW for real. Every month I've wondered and thought about it, but there was always the thought of it never really working anyways so why bother to count? J said to me yesterday that it's weird to think that this time next month we could be pregnant. It is such a weird thought. I go between elation at the thought to worry that I'll just be disappointed again.

I also started going to accupuncture. He said that he has a really high success rate for women getting pregnant - of the 10 that have come to him in the last few months for infertility, 9 of them have gotten pregnant.

Just trying to keep myself occupied and stress free. I've been working crazy hours for one of my part time jobs as my co-worker has been on vacation for hte past 4 weeks. So that's not helping the stress levels. I'm here at work on a beautiful Sunday which really sucks. Oh well, I get to bank my OT from this which means I'll be able to take a week off in August!

Changes

2010-07-22T09:38:00.000-05:00

Since I’m putting my body through Clomid, I thought I should try and do whatever else I can to make my body as good as it can be so that maybe a pregnancy will stick.

I bought the book “Making Babies” a couple of months back and read through it but never really put anything into action. It’s a really good book full of excellent ideas. They have sections on figuring out what your type is, but if you go here and take the quiz it will tell you exactly what you are. I ended up being a combination of two types. I’ve listed the blurbs about them below. Not all of the info was accurate, but quite a bit of it was me exactly.

So I’m really trying to work on my diet and eat the things that I know are good for me. A few years back I had gone to a Naturopath and he did some blood allergy testing and found that I am allergic to milk, wheat and eggs and even some vegetables. So that means just about everything. I’m not going completely extreme yet as I know that my motivation levels are not always great. I can go gung-ho on a new diet for a week or two then it fizzles out and I end up eating worse than before. So I’m making small changes and gradually cutting out things so that I can make it a lifestyle instead of just another diet.

I asked my RE if he thought that food allergies had a part to play in fertility and he said no, it had nothing to do with it. I kind of disagree, I’ve read a lot of articles about it and it seems that if you do have allergies that your body can produce a lot of antibodies which can then in turn affect fertility. Anyone know anything about this? At any rate, eating better will just be better for me all round, regardless of anything else.

Phew this was a long post….thanks for following. If you still feel like reading take a look at my types below.

Tired

SYMPTOMS:
Often feels weak or lethargic
Prone to getting sick
Gets out of breath and sweats easily, gains weight
Poor appetite
Prone to bloating, gas, and loose stools
Low sex drive
Short luteal phase
Feels cold: hands, feet

WESTERN MEDICINE:
Hypothyroid
Low progesterone
Luteal phase defect
Metabolic disorders

TCM PERSPECTIVE:
This type is called kidney “yang” deficiency in TCM, and reflects a broader hormonal imbalance going beyond reproductive hormones and encompassing the thyroid, adrenals, and pituitary gland. Weakness in these systems affects metabolism, circulation, and thus reproduction.

ADVICE
More animal Protein
Avoid raw and cold foods
Alcohol in moderation
Consume warming soups and stews, and spices: cinnamon,
ginger, cayenne, turmeric, cardamom, cloves, cumin
Regular moderate exercise

SUPPLEMENTS:
Royal jelly
Wheat grass
Chromium (boosts metabolism by enhancing the action of insulin)
L-arginine
Chasteberry (helps sustain post-ovulatory progesterone)

Stuck

SYMPTOMS:
Stressed out, easily angered
Tension headaches, nervous stomach, high blood pressure, or muscle tightness
PMS Symptoms including breast tenderness and mood swings, painful periods, irregular cycles, clotted menstrual blood.

WESTERN MEDICINE:
Endometriosis
Fibroids
Uterine polyps
PMS
Mittelschmerz (pain during mid-cycle)

TCM PERSPECTIVE:
The tightness of the Stuck type stems from poor energy and blood flow throughout the body, or what is referred to as qi and blood stagnation. Over time, it can lead to stagnation in the reproductive system, which can cause ovulation problems and inflexible fallopian tubes. Blood stagnation can cause painful or stop-and-start periods, and can lead to reproductive system obstructions such as endometriosis, fibroids, polyps, and cysts.

ADVICE
Regular aerobic exercise
Plenty of fiber
Stress reduction
Hot water with lemon in the morning
Complex carbohydrates
Avoid soy products
Avoid alcohol

SUPPLEMENTS:
Zinc (especially premenstrually)
B-complex vitamins
Magnesium
Calcium

July ICLW

2010-07-21T08:32:00.000-05:00

Hello to all from ICLW! I haven’t participated in ICLW for a few months so am super excited to get back into it!

I did have a good post all written up and ready to go but my computer froze and I lost it. So you get this instead! Lol

My hubby J and I have been married for almost 8 years and have TTC for 6 ½. In 2004 I discovered I had thyroid cancer and had my thyroid removed. We were able to get pregnant after that 4 times but lost all of those babies early on. I was diagnosed with PCOS last year and started taking Metformin which really hasn’t done anything for me at all. J and I decided that we want to adopt but since it’s so expensive need to save up for a while. So in the meantime we’re continuing trying to conceive. I started going to an RE in March and had a laproscopy & hysteroscopy in April. He removed some fibroids and a little bit of endometriosis but everything else seemed to be just fine. He did a bunch of bloodwork and discovered that I most definitely have PCOS, but unlike many, do seem to ovulate on my own which is a very good thing! I just started on Clomid yesterday so we’ll see how that goes. As I wrote in a previous post, I finally feel like I can have a bit of hope – something that has been very lacking with me for a long, long time. I’m struggling to find that balance though as I am so scared of being disappointed again.

At any rate, that’s my TTC journey in a nutshell! Looking forward to getting to know all of you more this month.

Hope

2010-07-13T16:17:00.000-05:00

Hope. The dictionary says that it is to wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment. Hope is not something I allowed myself to have over the last 6 years. Not after the miscarriages, the cancer, the tears. But hope is something that I am slowly starting to feel again. Its funny how when you’re young you are so filled with hope. And not even just hope…confidence. Confidence that your life was going to work out the way you had planned. But as time has gone on, my confidence has been eroded…and along with that my hope.

Yet….

I had my visit with Dr. K. yesterday. He said that my hormone levels weren’t as bad as he had first thought which is good. I most definitely have PCOS. I am ovulating on my own which is a very good thing. So I am starting Clo*mid 50 mg. I’m on CD 25 right now and will start taking it on CD5 until CD9. Then we shall see! He’s also sending J for a se*men ana*lysis. I had asked to have that done right at the beginning…but whatever, at least it’s getting done now. Part of me wonders our inability to get pg is actually partly due to him? He works in a paint store with industrial paint and chemicals. I guess its easier to think that then know that it's all due to me. We go back on August 18^th and will get the results then.

So here’s hoping….

Randoms

2010-06-28T15:41:00.000-05:00

Wow, been a LONG time of not posting. Things have been so crazy...and I've been feeling so low that posting was just beyond me. And since I have to leave to pick J up from work soon this will have to be a quick post...

Random thoughts:

AF hasn't gotten any better since the Lap. In fact it's gotten worse. Much, much heavier bleeding and the cramps? Oh my, I thought they were bad before. Now? Agony is all I can say.
No real progress with the RE yet. He did a big course of bloodwork but said the results were so crazy that he wanted me to repeat them. Then when I went back in...same thing happened...so I repeated them again. And again. So now I have an appointment on July 12th to hopefully see where we're going from here. I just want to know that I can move forward, y'know?
One of my very best friends let me know that she is expecting. Though it is bittersweet for me, I am so very happy for them. As I don't have any brothers and sisters, I get to be an honorary aunty!
J's uncle died last week of liver cancer. He spent the last few weeks in the hospital so it was a completely crazy time for us running back and forth. Sad that it was, it did do something good. J's family has a history of holding grudges, and this finally brought most of the family together. I'm hoping that it will last, but for now its so nice to see the family actually pulling in the same direction for once.

OK, so this is a totally random post that probably totally doesn't make any sense at all but I needed to get back in the blogging groove again. I've been reading all of your blogs, even if I don't comment. Sending my hugs out too all of you....

Anyways, better run...but I promise to catch up more soon!!

What can I say...

2010-05-05T09:07:00.000-05:00

Sorry I haven't posted all week. I kept meaning to post an update...but you know how it goes....

So I did manage to talk to the RE at the clinic and he said not to worry too much about the bleeding, that the Lap did trigger some people to get AF and that the first AF was sometimes much worse for some people. It would have been nice to know that! At any rate, the bleeding did slow down and stopped completely by Thursday.

Then Sunday morning I woke up with cramps....and spotting. It hasn't gotten any worse yet but the cramps are still pretty bad. This is so frustrating!!

I know that this is probably all part of the process. That my body is going to have some readjusting to do. I guess me being so angry and frustrated about this is really me being angry and frustrated at this whole process. That this whole TTC process which, in a perfect world, is supposed to be beautiful and joyous, is nothing like I thought it would be. There's so much that I put on hold, so much that I didn't want to bother doing becuase we were going to get pregnant. And we're not. And right now I feel like we never will be parents. I know that there is more to life than just being parents. I guess I hold on to this becuase its tangible. There's a lot of other things that I'm just not happy with, but the one that most people will understand is that I'm upset about kids.

I feel like I'm drowning in unhappiness. And I don't know where to go or what to do to get out of this. I don't feel like focusing on anything. I don't feel like doing my flowers or keeping my house clean becuase...what's the point? I've been a bad blogger...not even commenting on most of your blogs.

Thank goodness my cousin/best friend S is coming in 8 days to visit. That alone is keeping me going. Now if only I could get my other best friend F here too.

I'm sorry for all the negativity. I think I need to go to the Dr.

Ugh...

2010-04-26T13:16:00.000-05:00

So I woke up Friday morning feeling really crampy. Kind of like just before AF starts. I thought to myself that it couldn't possibly be that...it's too soon after the Lap. But lo and behold, once I got home from work...there she was. Lovely, lovely AF. And then the cramps started. Oh my, the cramps. Worse than anything I've ever had. And then the bleeding got heavier and heavier (sorry if the next bit is TMI) until I was changing a pad every half an hour. This continued until Sunday afternoon. By this point I was kind of getting freaked out as I usually do have a heavy flow for a day or two, but nothing like this. I dragged myself into work today, but I feel so drained and weak. The heavy flow started up again late this morning. I put a call into my RE's office just to get their opinion on if this is unusual or just a byproduct of the Lap. Anyone else experience this? Think I may go consult Dr. Go.ogle.

All I can say is that damn Lap better have been worth it...

1 week

2010-04-23T12:46:00.000-05:00

It's been a week since my Lap...and I'm still hurting....a lot. I attempted to go back to work Wednesday but only lasted until lunchtime where I finally admitted to myself that the shaking and sweating wasn't so good. If it wasn't for my supervisor talking about how when she had her Lap she was back to work the next day I would have left at lunch yesterday too. I guess I thought that I'd be back to normal sooner than this. I feel like a baby complaining about pain when I only have 2 small incisions. For those of you who have gone through a Lap, how long did it take you to recover?

And how long afterwards did you get AF? I just realized today that he gave me paperwork to do bloodwork on Day 21 & 28 of my cycle. In my drugged state last week I don't remember if that meant for this cycle or the next one. I guess a call to the office is in order....

I've been asking myself if getting this done was really worth it. I mean, I just had this feeling that other than the fibroids, everything would turn up clear. And clear it was. He said that there was no clear reason for the infertility. And that is just so frustrating. I so want a concrete answer. Even if the answer was negative, that we'd never be able to get pg, I think I would eventually be fine with that. Instead, I'm left with nothing. I know that I'm jumping ahead and that there's still many things that he can do, I guess that's what laying around for a week does to you - too much time to think.

I'm pretty sure that diet plays a big part for me. So...as I've said a gazillion times before on this blog....I'll work at eating really well. Let's see how long that lasts....

How I've been keeping busy

2010-04-20T10:59:00.000-05:00

I mentioned in an earlier post that I had been doing a bunch of crafts trying to keep myself occupied. I'm finally getting around to posting them. They're nothing special but have been keeping me from obsessing over all things baby. Well, if I'm honest, not really...but let's just leave it at that for now. ;-)

Our initials covered with scrapbook paper.

Numbered white balls (pottery barn knockoff) and Book page balls

Antique fireplace mantel painted and hung over my TV unit.

And since I am obsessed with all things Paris right now, my crafts wouldn't be complete without a lovely Paris sign. Now just to find a place to hang it! Hubby is a little sick of Paris stuff...so I'll just have to wait till he's away to hang it! lol

Update

2010-04-19T12:43:00.000-05:00

So I had the Lap on Thursday. It was a lot more painful than I had expected. I haven't really been able to do anything, just been laying in bed and letting J wait on me. lol. I've been trying to make myself move around and stretch a bit as I don't want to get too stiff.

I had the follow up appointment the next day with Dr. K. He removed a couple of fibroids and a little bit of endometriosis. My tubes are open and everything else looked fine. He said he didn't really see any reason for the infertility or the pain that I've been having. The fibroids and Endo were in places that shouldn't really affect fertility. This makes me so frustrated. I guess I was really holding onto the Lap as being the answer to all of this. That once I had gone through this we would have a clear path as to what was wrong. But we don't. We're pretty much back at square one. So I go back to see him in a month and get some bloodwork done in the meantime. And we'll see where we go from there.

I go back to work on Wednesday. Not really looking forward to that but I do have to admit that I'm getting bored of watching TV and reading.

I'm Here

2010-04-09T13:58:00.002-05:00

Yes, I'm still here and alive. Just been...blah. Been fighting off a cold that I need to get rid of pronto as next Thursday is my Lap. Other than that just plodding along. Not feeling great, not doing great. Just here.

Bad Me....

2010-03-23T14:56:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I know. Again I have to confess that I'm a bad blogger. I honestly think of posts to write all the time. Then when it comes time to post them...I don't know. I worry that what I write sounds stupid. That it's not worth your time to read it. That I should be focusing on other things and not obsessing over all things baby. I so want to have balance in my life and am trying really hard to do just that. I've been a bit of a blog stalker and have been obsessively checking out some decorating blogs. I'm full of ideas and inspiration now so I'm trying to get myself away from the computer and do something constructive. I have about 5 projects on the go right now, I'll try and post some pictures once I'm all done.

Had my appointment with my endocrinologist last week. She's usually pretty awesome, but just not super helpful on the PG front. But I don't mind so much now that I have an actual RE. Because her office is in a teaching facility, I often will get seen by a Resident prior to seeing the actual Dr. So the Resident calls me in, weighs me then has me sit down. As she sits down, I notice that she's pregnant. Great, just what I wanted to see. She goes: "I'm sorry to tell you, but you've gained weight since your last visit". And I said "Are you freaking kidding me? A size 2, little pregnant lady is talking to me about my weight and how to lose it?"
No, I didn't actually say that! But I sure wanted to! She just irritated the heck out of me. And kept rubbing her belly the whole time we talked. But, long story short, I do need to lose some weight. I hate hearing that though I know it's true.

The RE's office had given me a bunch of requisitions for blood work so I've gone to the same clinic the last couple times to get it drawn. They've seriously got a needle-wielding butcher on staff there! After yesterday's blood draw, I still can hardly bend my arm and have a bruise that's probably 2 inches wide and 2 inches long. And that was just for one tube of blood. I hate to see what my arm will look like if I go to her for my CD2 draws where I'm sure it'll be 6 or 7 tubes.

Appointment Details

2010-03-16T10:39:00.002-05:00

So I had my appointment with my new RE, Dr. K, yesterday. I had talked to a couple of people who had met with him before and who didn't really like him that much but J and I actually really liked him. He was pretty straightforward and to the point which I liked. We talked a bit about my history and he talked about how me having thyroid cancer was a big thing and that they'll have to watch me extra closely. Ugh...I guess I try to stick my head in the sand when it comes to that. I like to pretend that it really wasn't that bad, that becuase I didn't have to have Radiation or Chemo, it was really just a blip. But...apparently not.

Anyways, he did an ultrasound on me and said that I had a lot of fibroids. None of them were particularly big but he was worried about where some of them are placed. He said that I had ovulated in the last couple of days which is good news!! He's going to do a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy on me to check what's going on though and to clean things out. Also, since we've had 3 losses, they're doing genetic and chromosone testing on both J and I. We wont' get those results back for months, but it'll be something that's good to know.

I did a bunch of blood work yesterday then if I don't get AF by Monday I need to go do some more. Then on CD2 I'll need to do some more again.

They've scheduled me for April 15th for the Lap and a follow up visit with him for the 16th. So things are actually happening. I can hardly believe it!

My mom was here visiting over the weekend which is always an interesting time. I'll have to post a separate thing about it. I'm still a bit upset with her and don't want to write a nasty post that I might later regret....

Winner!!

2010-03-13T06:38:00.002-06:00

So the winner of the Le Crueset Baking dish is......

Tales of a Batty Nurse!!!

Congratulations!!

I'll email you for your mailing address.

I'm so behind on my blogging...as usual I know. I have some stuff to write about but I'll have to get to it next week as I have my mom here visiting right now. I hope everyone has an awesome weekend!

2010-03-07T15:56:00.002-06:00

I've been really struggling the last couple of weeks. Yeah, I know, it seems like "what else is new?" but I have had a few good days. But it seems like the bad is out-weighing the good lately.

J often asks me to put into words what I'm feeling about this whole process. But how do you explain the soul-sucking, gut-wrenching ride that is IF? I have so much love to give, so much mothering to distribute and no one to give it to.

Most of our family tell me that I do too much for our nieces. They're the ones whose mom had left and they're with their dad. And their dad is the type that likes to take advantage of a situation. I"ll buy them some clothes or something, and he'll tell me that they need new winter coats and winter boots and would I mind looking out for something for them? And won't give me money for it. But I just ignore that (stupid, I know) because I can mother them. Because they are needy...and I have so much to give. But it makes J frustrated to see me getting taken advantage of.

I know that we have our appointment at the Fertility clinic next week but I'm so scared. I'm so scared that it won't work. That we'll never be parents...and then what? I feel like I should be able to just be happy with J. That he should be enough. How do I explain to him...and myself, that it's not? That being a mom is something that is just part of who I am? That a huge part of me just feels empty?

Sigh...this probably makes no sense at all....

Le Creuset Baking Dish Giveaway

2010-03-04T10:19:00.005-06:00

Lately I've been trying to really eat a lot healthier so have been trying quite a few new recipes from some of the recipe books that have been collecting dust in my cupboard. I've even went out and bought a couple of nice new baking dishes, just to make things look prettier and more appealing!

So I was very excited with the lovely Ashley from CSN contacted me about doing a giveaway for my awesome blog readers.

CSN is an online retailer that has become one of the top 3 online US retailers of home and office goods. They have over 400 employees and 200 online stores. They sell cookware, bar stools, toys, furniture and on and on. They even ship most of their items to Canada!

One lucky blog reader will be chosen to receive this awesome Le Crueset 9" Baking Dish with Bonus 5" Baking Dish. It's something that I'd love to have in my kitchen!

The details:

Le Creuset's Square Dish is truly an all-in-one dish that you can use for baking, slicing, serving, and storage. Poterie Stoneware can be used in the oven, broiler, or microwave and will not absorb odors or flavors. The durable finish resists chipping, scratching and staining. This beautiful and colorful piece has sure grip handles to go straight from baking to tabletop, making an impressive presentation.

Features:

Bonus 5" Baking Dish
Bold Cobalt color
Does not absorb odors and flavors
Oven and microwave safe
Durable, non-porous enamel resists chipping, scratching, staining
Convenient grip handles
Refrigerator and freezer safe

Specifications:

Material: Stoneware
Dimensions: 9" W
Capacity: 1.5-Quart
Cleaning and Care: Dishwasher safe

To enter, leave me a comment telling me what your favorite recipe or dish is. You don't have to post the ingredients if you don't want to, but I would love to be able to add some new awesome dishes to my repertoire!

The contest is open to US and Canada and will end on March 12th at midnight. One lucky winner will be chosen through random.org. Please make sure that I can contact you either by clicking through to your profile or by leaving your email address.

Excited?!?

2010-02-27T20:03:00.002-06:00

Hmmm, funny how it goes...AF decided to show up last night. And oh yeah, she was a doozy. The pain is getting worse every month. I've been in bed since suppertime yesterday, hardly even able to stand up. Yuck.

The good news is...I phoned the fertility clinic yesterday to see if they had an earlier appointment than June 9th...and got in for March 15th!!!! I am SO excited. It's been such a long wait that I can hardly believe that in 2 weeks I'll be talking to a Dr. about this. I know there's more to come and more procedures that I'll have to go through, but it finally feels like there's something to look forward to and be excited about.

OK, time to go lay on my heating pad again...

2010-02-26T08:15:00.001-06:00

Dear AF,

I would so dearly love it if you would come on time. Being late, like you are this month, really plays with my nerves. It, quite frankly, causes me to have hope. And at this point in the game, me and hope don't mix so well. So dear, AF, if you could please, please come in the next day or two I would greatly appreciate it.

And if you could managed to come and not bring those debilitating cramps that you've so lovingly brought along the last few months I might even like you.

Thank you ever so much,

Justina

Sock it To Me!!

2010-02-25T09:14:00.003-06:00

OK, I must apologize, I am SO behind this week. I should have posted this on Monday. What can I say, it's been one of those weeks!

My Sock it to Me buddy was Kelly from My New Reality. She so very nicely sent me 2 pairs of socks....and some yummy chocolate. Thanks so much Kelly! I've been wearing the socks already...and I think I may never go back to normal socks again! lol

I finally, finally, FINALLY got my referral to the Fertilty Docs. Its not until June 9th. Sigh.... But it's an appointment...and a step in the right direction! I'm going to call and see if I can get put on a cancellation list. And you can be darn sure that those socks will be on my feet at my first apointment...and every other appointment thereafter until we finally hear the news that we want to hear - you are pregnant.

I honestly don't know what I would have done with out this community the past 6 months.

I started this blog on a whim, not thinking that I would actually keep it up. I didn't think that I would receive the outpouring of support that I have. I always knew there were others that were in my boat, but I never felt like I belonged anywhere, that no one would or could actually understand. But since being here...I've met so many women that have given me not just the support and encouragement that I needed, but the courage to keep going on. I've been so ready to just chuck in the towel so many times and just say forget it, but you have shown me that happy endings are indeed possible.

So thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I hope that I can give back even a bit of the support that you have all given me.

Ramblings

2010-02-18T13:59:00.002-06:00

Well I said I would try and post more and here its been over a week since my last post. Oops. The time has flown by! I've got lots to talk about so bear with me!

I had my first real outing with my little buddy from CFS yesterday. She's 9 and a total sweetie. For this blog, I'll call her Little M; I'm sure I'll be doing a lot more blogging about her. I was so impressed by her. Despite her being from such a difficult background she is so polite and well-behaved. We went bowling then went for hot chocolate and just talked for a bit. One thing that really got me was her telling me about one of her older sisters who already has 4 kids and is only 21. She got pregnant again recently and decided to get an abortion because she doesn't want any more kids. And Little M knew all about it. What a crazy world that a 9 year old knows all about abortions. And don't even get me started on how that makes me feel to hear about someone just throwing that baby away. OK, I'll step off my soapbox now. ;-) I'm really happy that I decided to do the volunteering. I know it's early days still but I drove home with a huge smile on my face.

I'm still waiting on my referral to the Fertility clinic. I sent an email to the Resident that I've seen the last couple of times to see if it was sent in. I'm just so tired of waiting! And despite knowing that nothing will happen without some help, when I got up the other morning I threw up which got me on the "maybe, what if?" train, though I'm sure it really was nothing. I haven't felt sick since then, so it was probably just something I ate. I'm at CD28 so I'm sure any day now AF will be coming. And hopefully with a bit less pain than the last couple of months.

And speaking of pain....I've been having quite a few Fibro flare-ups lately. Winter seems to be the worst time for me. So frustrating, I thought I was doing so well. I'm thinking about going on some meds for it, something that I've been trying to avoid. For those of you dealing with Fibro, are there any meds that you've been able to take while TTC?

I'm still kind of in limbo with the job thing. I am hoping to start a couple of those courses for March 1st. I've checked out a few jobs but most need me to have either education or experience. Soo, I have to do something if I want to make some changes!

We have our nieces coming to stay with us this weekend which I'm totally excited about. It's always nice to spend time with people that think you're totally awesome no matter what you do!

Quality Time

2010-02-08T14:36:00.002-06:00

J and I had talked a while back about trying to spend more quality time together. We're home a lot together, but he's often watching TV or playing a video game and I'm on the computer or doing some crafting. So last weekend we went out to Gimli which is a little resort town about an hour away. They have a great special in the winter where you get your room, a supper and a breakfast for $100. So we booked that and headed out after J finished work on Saturday. When we got there we discovered that there was a hockey tournament on and that there were about 100 10 year olds running around the hotel (don't even get me started on the behavior of those kids - and the absence of their parents!!). The receptionist took one look at our faces and looked at her computer...and upgraded us to a suite in a quiet part of the hotel. It was wonderful! It was brand new, so was just big and beautiful...and so relaxing. And had a jacuzzi tub! (I'm a sucker for a good bath!) So it made for a good weekend.

This past weekend, we decided to poke around some second hand bookstores then go for supper and to a movie. I found some great books...not that I have room to store them! We went and saw Av.a.tar which was great. It was nice just spending the time together without other distractions. It made me realize how important time like that is. I mean, we have a pretty good, solid relationship, but especially when you're going through IF I think it's so easy to just get caught up in your own little worlds and not really talk. Well, I shouldn't generalize. It's easy for me. I tend to keep things inside and process things in my head instead of actually talking them out. Not a good thing when you're married. But anyways....it was really nice and I'm so glad that we were able to take the time. Now to plan something for this coming weekend!

Feb 4

2010-02-04T12:49:00.003-06:00

Thank you for all your kind comments. You support means the world to me.
I talked again to J that night and he agreed to maybe consider it. He just needed to think a bit more about it. Then the next day we were at the grocery store and ran into a co-worker. We got onto the kid question and she said her and her husband were trying to adopt. So we asked a few questions. And found out that they've been waiting for 5 years. 5 years!!! And these are people that I would consider successful and having everything that a birth mother would want - a loving relationship, good jobs, a big house and a cottage. And they're just an all around amazing couple. I don't know her that well, but have heard nothing but good about her and her husband. At any rate, J hearing the time they've waited turned him off adoption again. Sigh....

So...I might go back to charting my cycles and all that jazz. I've done it for so long that I'm not sure that I'm ready to start it up again. But I am going to try changing my diet and see how that works. I haven't heard anything from the Fertility clinic yet so we'll see how that goes too. I bought the "Mak.ing Bab.ies" book so once that arrives I'm going to try out the suggestions from it. Has anyone else tried this book?

Michell from Tales of A Batty Nurse has been selling her home made baby blankets on Etsy to help pay for her upcoming FET. I bought one and was very excited to open my mail on Monday and see the package in there! She does beautiful work and will even do custom orders so please, please head over to her blog and check it out. It's worth a look! I just realized that I don't have the picture here with me, so will post it later on!

I went shopping last night and bought my socks for my secret recipient in the Sock It To Me exchange. I actually bought 2 pairs because I just couldn't decide! I'm excited about this exchange!

I'm sure there was some other things that I was supposed to blog about but I cant' for the life of me remember what it was right now so I'll just have to save it for another day.

More changes

2010-02-01T12:58:00.001-06:00

I've had this post rattling around in my head for a few days now but as posts go...well, as I go really ...it's taken me a bit to actually get it out of my head and typed out. I really need to get better at blogging, I feel so much better when I get this stuff out instead of letting it fester inside of me.

J talked to one of the contractors at his work a few weeks ago about adoption. This guy had adopted 3 kids and was very blunt with J about the challenges that you face when adopting. I guess him and and his wife had had a really tough go of it for 2 of the adoptions. I already knew that J wasn't as on board about the whole adoption thing as I was but he was willing to try it and see where it would take us. Well, after talking to this guy and thinking about what he had said, J told me last weekend that he doesn't want to adopt. That he just wants to take our chances with the fertility docs. And this freaks me out. Completely.

I thought we had things figured out. I thought that we had a path that we were following. A distant future to work towards. And now? I feel like there is nothing. I am so scared of going through fertility treatments only to get pregnant and lose it again. Heck, the last 2 years I haven't even been able to GET pregnant. I feel like I'm direction-less now. I know I should try and be positive. It's not like there is no hope for me. The rational part of me knows that. I feel a bit like a drama queen talking like this, it's just so frustrating.

I do respect his opinion. I don't want to force him into something that he's just not comfortable with. Adoption is such a big step and a huge amount of stress involoved that I don't want him to go through it if he's not completely sure.

So I'm just a little frustrated and sad right now. I need to dig inside of me and find that happy place but I'm really struggling.

January ICLW

2010-01-21T09:24:00.000-06:00

Hello everyone and welcome to ICLW! This is my 3rd time participating and I just love it. It's such a great way to "meet" new people throughout the blogging community. For some info on my TTC history click here. At the present time we're planning on adopting but first have to move into a bigger place. So we're on the hunt for that in the near future. I have a bit of an issue with patience so the wait seems like it's going to take forever.

After much deliberation I have finally figured out what I want to do when I grow up. ha ha. I've been doing office work my whole career but have always hated it. I went to career counselling and she helped me narrow down some choices. I'll be starting a course called "Child and Youth Care" which will let me work with kids who have developmental disabilities or are in the fostering system and need some counselling and assistance. I'm hoping to start my first course February 1st. I'll be doing it part time and mostly from home so it'll take me awhile, but its a step in the right direction. I also just got approved to mentor kids in the foster care system. So, for the first time in a long while, it seems that there are things to look forward to.

Thanks all for visiting my blog and I look forward to getting to know all of you!

Jan 18th Randomness

2010-01-18T15:33:00.001-06:00

Why is it that when you decide that you're not really going to actively TTC your AF decides she's going to take her sweet time showing up?

Just something that I've been wondering about the past couple of days....

And onto some housekeeping items...

A co-worker of mine held a Silpada jewelry party back in November. She then signed up to sell it and convinced me to have a party for her. So..on the 23rd I will be hosting a party at my house. I'm getting all stressed out about it though and am starting to worry that people won't like my place. Or won't come. And there are quite a few that aren't coming. Of the 30 people that I invited, only 4 have actually confirmed that they are coming. Do you think that if I promise to ply them with lovely alcoholic drinks they'd be more likely to come? ;-)

I've looked into the course that I want to take and I think I'll register for the first class starting in February. I still have to figure out the exact order that I'm taking things in but I'm pretty excited about this! And I found a part time job that is sort of in the field of this course, but just lower on the totem pole and pay scale. So, I might quit one of my part time ones and see if I can get this other one which would give me tons of practical experience. I think all the money that I make from weddings this year will be going towards courses.

And speaking of weddings...I now have 5 booked. Not as many as last year. And it still is early in the year so there will probably be more. I've kind of been procrastinating on doing actual advertising. Not sure if I should or just keep it free and from word of mouth. I tend to doubt myself when it comes to my floral design and my ability to do a business which I think has kept my business from growing the way it could have.

I know there were a couple of other things I wanted to write about but I can't for the life of me remember right now what they were. Oh well, it might just mean that you get 2 posts in one day from me if I do remember!

Confused

2010-01-13T09:33:00.002-06:00

I had my appointment with my Family Doctor yesterday. I just love my new Dr's office. They're so awesome there, I just want to hug my Dr. every time I see her.

So they're sending my referral in to the Fertility Clinic...finally. This is something that I had been fighting for for 2 years with my old Doctor. Multiple times he said he had sent it in, multiple times I phoned...and nothing. So with my new Dr. they did the required tests right away and are sending the referral off today. I wish I had fought my old Dr. harder on this referral, I wish that I had been able to get there 2 years ago. I can't help but wonder where I would be now in this journey.

But now that it's actually here, I have mixed feelings. I want to try and be postive about it, but I just have this feeling that we're not going to be able to get and stay pregnant. Heck, it's been 2 years since I've even been able to GET pregnant. I thought I was finally in the right mental place to go forward with adoption. I want to be a mom, regardless of how I get there.

Maybe I'm just over-analyzing all of this. Maybe I should just be glad that I even have this chance and not analyze what could happen. I just don't know if I could mentally take another miscarriage. I just don't know....

Sorry this is kind of a negative post. My trying to be positive thing just isn't working for me today.

Book Challenge!

2010-01-11T14:14:00.000-06:00

I discovered Kristin's 2010 Book Challenge today and thought I'd sign up. I'm a huge reader, as J says, I read WAY too much and have WAY too many books, so this is the perfect challenge for me! Go and check it out here.

I'll post the books I've read on my side bar. I kind of got into a rut reading only chick-lit books last year so this year I'm really trying to read books that have some substance. Anyone have any suggestions for some good reads?

Possibilities

2010-01-09T21:02:00.002-06:00

Possibilities.... When I was young I wasn't scared of that word. That word meant choice. It meant that you could be anything you wanted to be, do anything you wanted to do. Because when you're a grown up, you were supposed to be able to do anything you ever dreamed of.

As I got older I realized that there were still a lot of possibilities, but, as life goes, some were off limits. I still was hopeful. I still dreamed. Somewhere along the way though, I think I stopped dreaming. I made myself be content with less. I made myself believe that what I had accomplished was enough, even though there was that niggling voice in the back of my head saying otherwise.

Well, that niggling voice gradually got louder and louder until I couldn't ignore it any longer. So, that led me to go to Career counseling. And now? Well, those possibilities seem endless again. Like I really can do whatever I want.

I had my 3rd Career counseling appointment on Thursday and I think I've figured out what I want to do. I've been leaning towards working with kids who are troubled - ones who have been abused or are in the system or whatever. I've found a course called "Child & Youth Care" that I can do mostly in the evenings that should take me about a year or so to complete.

Reading the course description made me so excited. It just felt right. And that is a feeling that I haven't had in a very, very long time.

First Week of 2010

2010-01-07T08:37:00.002-06:00

Well, this year has started out not too badly. I am so determined to make 2010 a better year than 2009 was. Even if it doesn't bring me a baby, I'm so tired of living in the land of negativity. I found this sort of resolution idea called "101 in 1001 Days". The idea is to come up with 101 things that you want to do or work on and you have a deadline of 1001 days. Well, I couldn't come up with 101 things but got about 50, so I'll just leave it at that and work at it. I didn't want to put things down just for the sake of having exactly 101 things - I wanted those items to mean something to me. I'll post my list in another post.

I got the call yesterday and am now officially a volunteer with Child and Family Services. I am beyond excited!! The Social Worker that I'll be meeting with is away for a week so once she's back we'll be able to meet and they'll match me with a child to mentor. Should be interesting!

I've also managed to try Yoga...and I LOVED it. It was one of my goals for the year so I thought I would try it, but didn't expect to like it. It was a lunchtime class at the gym here at work and though the instructor wasn't a professional, she was excellent. I went to another class yesterday with a different instructor and it wasn't as good. Part of my issues with having Fibromyalgia is my muscles being so tight all the time, so this was an excellent way to get me loosened up. Not to mention making me feel a bit less stressed.

So all in all, this week has been pretty good. Now, if I could just figure out the job thing I'd be really happy! I have another Career counselling appointment tonight so I'll tell you guys how it went tomorrow.

Awesome song

2010-01-01T13:46:00.003-06:00

So I was listening to the radio the other day and this song called "Mi.ne All Mi.ne" came on. I only caught the end of it, but it gave me chills. I started crying as I listened to the lyrics. It's written by a couple who were adopting and talks about hope. I've listened to it about 10 times now and it hits me the same way each and every time.

I don't know that a song has ever touched me like this before. I'll just share it with all of you and you can listen for yourselves.

I wasn't able to find a video to upload, but did find it on the cmt website so click here and then click on the "Mi.ne All M.ine" video on the left hand side.

End of 2009

2009-12-31T12:38:00.003-06:00

Well, I had big plans of writing up a great end of 2009 post...but it hasn't happened; and won't at this point. I've been hibernating the past couple weeks so have a lot of catching up to do on my Reader - I think I have something like 150 unread blog posts. Yikes! I'll be doing that this wekeend.

I can't believe that it's December 31 already. Where did this year go? It doesn't feel like I accomplished that much. But I guess if I stop looking at the outward things - like the fact that we didn't manage to get pregnant or that we weren't able to move into a bigger place - we did accomplish some things. J and I came up with a plan of what we're doing in 2010. I know that in a few months we can start the adoption process. I know that I'll have some more insight as to what I should be doing job-wise. And maybe, if we're really, really lucky, this time next year I'll be writing my update with a baby in my arms.

I hope that 2010 brings all of you closer to your dreams. I'm off in a few hours to hang out with our best friends B & J. Hope you all have a wonderful evening!

Weekend

2009-12-21T11:01:00.002-06:00

I had a pretty good weekend. I haven't been sleeping well, so ended up calling in sick on Friday as I had had about 5 hours sleep between Tuesday and Thursday. (And I think I'll be able to function with no sleep when I have kids??). But staying home was just what I needed. I made myself just sit and read and relax.

Friday night we went to a friends house. They invited another friend who lives out of town who has 3 kids - 22 month old twin girls and a 4 year old girl. I was a bit nervous about it because, as you all know, being presented with evidence of fertileness can sometimes really hurt. But it actually turned out to be a really good evening.

After we had finished dinner I realized that J and the twins had disappeared so I followed the sound of the giggling and saw J sitting on the floor with the twins playing with them. The sight just about made me cry. I stood there and watched for a few minutes and saw the joy and happiness on his face as he interacted with the girls. It just made me realize how much I want to see him as a dad. How much I want to see that joy on our face over our baby. I sat on the floor for a bit and played with him and the girls, it just felt so good!

After going back to the living room, the inevitible "When are you going to have kids?" came up. In the past I've tried to sidestep that question and not give details, but at this point, after all this time, I want people to know that's it's not always easy. So I told them what's going on and that we are planning to adopt. They asked me if I thought I was missing out by not considering IVF and being able to have our own biological child. I said no, and I really believe that. I just know that IVF isn't the path for us. Adoption feels right, it feels like it is the right path for us. It's so frustrating though when people question your choices and make you question yourself and if what you really believe is true.

Another thing that I'm worried about. My mom and I don't have the best relationship. It's been like that my whole life and unless she comes to realize what she's like and what she's done, it will stay that way. I was talking to her on the weekend and told her that we were going to adopt. All she said was "oh" and changed the subject. I want all my family to support me on this. I want to know that this child will be considered their grandchild, niece/nephew etc even though there's not a biological link. My mom lives far away and I don't see her that often so it's not like she'd be a direct part of the child's life, but I still feel like that little kid who is wanting their parents approval. My family in Ontario is amazing and will give us that 110% support that I am needing which I am so thankful for.

It's never easy, is it?

The results are in.....

2009-12-18T12:09:00.003-06:00

...and it's Fibroids! Not what I was expecting at all. They did find a few cysts, but found a lot of fibroids. None of them were huge, but there seemed to be a lot of them. There were some areas that the Dr. dictating the report said he couldn't really see so he suggested getting an MRI done. So they're scheduling me for that. They're also talking about putting me on BCP's for a few months to regulate my hormones and hopefully help with the brutal periods I've been having.
I'm so glad they found something...that this pain and everything isn't all in my head!
I'll go for some bloodwork next week then go back in a couple of weeks and we'll figure things out from there.

Plans

2009-12-16T09:14:00.001-06:00

Again, I haven't posted much lately. There just doesn't seem to be much going on. I'm still not feeling well. Just SO tired, like going to bed at 8:00 every night tired. Not sure why. I have a Dr. appointment tomorrow afternoon to get the results of my ultra.sound so we'll see how that goes!

I went to my first career counselling appointment last week and it was pretty cool. I was thinking that I'd just have to go for one appointment and I'd leave knowing what I should be doing with my life. LOL. It's apparently more complex than that! She sent me home with the Mye.rs Brig.gs personality test. Have any of you ever done that? I've done it before and I'm sure this result will be the same. I just find stuff like that so fascinating. I go see her again on Monday which is good.

It's funny, as the date looms closer to my 6 year mark of TTC, I'm finding that I'm more at peace with it. Or maybe I've managed to convince myself that I'm at peace and things will come crashing down the next time I get a pregnancy announcement from a friend. At any rate, I'm trying so hard to not be obsessed over this. To realize that there is life beyond this. I feel like its consumed me for so long and that I've neglected all the things that I used to find interesting.

J and I made a (sorta) firm plan as to our future. In March we're going to start looking for a bigger place. Then we'll give ourselves a couple of months to get settled and then start on our adoption process. I had spoke about me not being patient in one of my last posts. That's the thing that will stop this plan from working! I really want to call CFS and get an appointment made, especially as I've read on some message boards that public adoption through the gov't can take years and years. I don't know. What do you think? Should I call and at least get part of the process underway?

Our other dilemma is whether to just stick with CFS or also go with a private agency. Doing it privately will cost a lot. But we do have the money set aside for it - well, that money was supposed to be a down-payment on a house, but its there and can be used. So we're not quite sure what the right option for us is. I'm just so scared with either option that they'll deem us unworthy somehow. But I guess that's the chance we have to take.

Update

2009-12-07T18:05:00.003-06:00

Well, just got back from my date with the dildo-cam. It. fricken.HURT!! Did not expect that. I've had it done before, but I'm sure that it didn't feel anything like it did today. Has anyone else experienced this?

I think they found a lot of cysts or whatever as they spent a lot of time on the right side and kept talking about trying to count how many there were and how to measure them. And when I say they, I mean the technician went and got her supervisor who after looking at the screen then went and got her supervisor. So I'm hoping that it was just a weird cyst or something they were looking at. Or that I have weird ovaries...or something of that sort.

I've been in a lot of pain the last couple of months and my last AF was BRUTAL. So I'm hoping that this test will show something...anything....I'll know the results in about a week.

So I wrote this great post a couple of times about patience - and my lack of it. But both times it disappeared...so I guess that's a sign that I shouldn't have been writing about it! I'm just having a hard time with being patient. I've waited for so long, and it feels like for nothing. I'm trying so hard to keep a positive attitude about where we're at in this journey. Even though after 6 years we don't have a baby, J and I are closer than we've ever been. So, if nothing else, I'm lucky that this time has allowed me and J to work on our relationship. I think we'll need it; going into the Foster/Adoption process is going to take a whole other level of togetherness.

Well, this post probably makes no sense whatsoever. I'm tired and achey and hungry. I'm screwing the diet tonight and having my favorite comfort food - mac.aroni and che.ese. Thanks ladies for your patience and for reading this far! Your support - it means the world to me.

Oops

2009-11-26T20:16:00.002-06:00

So I got my ultrasound appointment info by mail yesterday and noticed that it just said pelvic ultrasound. When I saw the original req it said Pelvic and Vaginal ultrasound. So thinking that the clinic had missed something, I phone the Diagnostics department to find out.

My conversation went a little like this:

Me: Hi, I'm calling to find out if I was booked for a just a pelvic ultrasound or a pelvic and vaginal ultrasound.
Clerk: Pardon? I can't hear you.
Me: ( a bit louder) I'm calling to find out if I was booked for a just a pelvic ultrasound or a pelvic and vaginal ultrasound.
Clerk: Sorry? I still can't hear you, there's construction behind me.
Me: (very loudly now) I'm calling to find out if I was booked for a just a pelvic ultrasound or a pelvic and vaginal ultrasound!!
Clerk: I'm so sorry, I didn't quite catch the last part.
Me: (almost yelling) Vaginal ultrasound!!!!

Right then I hear a throat clearing behind me and turn around to see my boss and her boss standing there with uncomfortable looks on their faces. Ummm, can you say awkward???

Worst of all? Had I just consulted Dr. Goo.gle, or talked to one of my co-workers I might have realized that a Pelvic ultrasound includes a vaginal ultrasound. Something it would have been nice to know before I made that call.....

Something exciting

2009-11-23T20:55:00.002-06:00

I've been looking for awhile now for a volunteer opportunity. For something that would really speak to me, for something that I could feel really good about.

So last week I saw a posting to be a mentor for children who are in the Foster system. And I just about got up and danced around my office. This is exactly what I've been waiting for! I sent off my resume and got an almost immediate response back - I'm meeting with CFS on Wednesday! I'm really excited about this, not just because it's something that will probably benefit us when we get to the Foster/Adopt program, but because it's something I really do feel strongly about. It's something that will let me help others, really help. It's something that will hopefully help me feel a little more fulfilled in my life. There's no guaruntee that I'll actually be approved to do it, but here's hoping!

And I got my ultrasound appointment, but it's not until December 7th. So much for right away. Oh well, at least I have a date in mind.

Well it's off to do some more commenting. I hope you all have a great night!

November ICLW

2009-11-21T09:48:00.002-06:00

Hi everyone and welcome to ICLW! This is my second one and I'm pretty excited. I had such a great time "meeting" new people last month and discovering new blogs.

For more information on my journey, please click here.

So I saw a couple of people do this last month and thought it was pretty cool. Instead of another blurb about my journey, I thought I would open this blog up to questions from all of you instead. Ask anything and everything, just leave your questions in the comment section and I'll answer them in my next post.

Now I'm off to check out the ICLW List!

Thoughts....

2009-11-19T13:29:00.000-06:00

Haven't posted much lately. There's just so much going on in my head that I don't know how to write it out.

I went for a counselling session last week which was great. One huge issue for me that I've struggled with for a long time is my career. Or lack thereof. I ended up doing office work way back when...and have never done anything differently. Like I said to J awhile back, it feels like a soul-sucking job to me. It's not something that makes me happy, never has and I've realized never will. So...the question is - what DO i want to do? I so envy those people that are in their dream jobs and know what they want to do. For a long time I had thought that it wasn't worth it for me to pursue any kind of career because Ii was going to get pregnant and I wanted to be able to stay at home, so it would just be a waste of time and money. But 6 years later, I'm realizing that maybe this is something that I need to do. So that I at least have some control over something in my life. Because goodness knows I have no control over the fertiliy side of things.

So I'm going to go for career counselling and find out what I should be doing. It's funny, I thought by the time I turned 30 I would have life at least somewhat figured out. That I'd know my direction, that I'd know what I wanted to do. And here I am a few months past with seemingly less of an idea than ever before. Life never quite turns out the way you thought it would hey?

Update

2009-11-13T15:38:00.000-06:00

Thanks for all your kind thoughts from my last post. It made me feel a little better about my level of freaking out! lol

I talked to the Dr. office again and they've put my request for ultrasound in as a rush. And since I work in the same hospital where the ultrasound will be done, there is a good chance that I'll get in fairly soon. Which will do wonders for me and my overthinking things!

J and I sat down on the weekend and talked and finally came up with a firm plan of what we're going to do with our future. I have been in such turmoil because I didn't know what the right decision was. Do we move away to where my family is and delay our adoption plans by at least a couple of years if not more? Do we stay in our current apartment and delay plans a bit? Is Winnipeg the best place for us?

So, after much deliberation we decided that we are going to stay in Winnipeg. There really is a lot going for us here. We've made some great friends, I've got my business established and the cost of living is a lot cheaper. So that being said, we're going to try to be caretakers of an apartment building. There are quite a few ads that I've seen where you get a free place plus salary. That would mean I can work part time, or not at all. Then we can start the foster/adoption process a lot sooner. Like maybe in less than 6 months we could be on that road. It's not an ideal situation, but it's the means to an end, at least for a couple of years. By doing this we'll be able to afford a house in a few years instead of the rather distant future.

As much as this decision was hard to make (not being near my family is really difficult), I feel at peace with it. I think that it was the best decision we could have made. I know that in the grand scheme of things waiting another 2 or 3 years to start the adoption/foster process isn't that much, but I've waited so long already. My whole life really.

Show and Tell

2009-11-12T09:33:00.003-06:00

I've been meaning to post this for a couple of weeks but keep missing the right day. For some reason I have it as Tuesday in my mind. Anyways....

This is a picture of me getting to meet my absolute favorite author Diana Gabaldon. She came to Winnipeg for a book signing so I lined up with about 250 other people in a small, hot bookstore and got to listen to her talk then got to meet her in person as I got my book signed. I felt like such a geek, I was so thrilled!

If you haven't read the Outlander series yet, I highly recommend it. They're excellent reads, although a bit long, but, aside from my first love, the Anne of Green Gables series, the best I've read in a long time.

Head on over to Mel's to see what the rest of the class is sharing!

Scary

2009-11-10T12:37:00.002-06:00

OK, I wasn't going to post this as it's probably nothing, but....gotta get it off my chest.

I went for a physical yesterday. I mentioned to the Dr. about the pain I've been having on my lower right side for a few months now. They think that it's something to do with my right ovary. I kind of expected that, so it wasn't much of a shock. She said it's a strong possibility that I have Endo. Great, just what I need.

But then when she was doing my internal, she found "something" near my cervix. Some sort of growth that's quite large. Most likely it's a cyst or something, but it's still scary hearing those words. Having her get another Dr to check it out and him confirming the same thing.

Ack, I'm freaking out...and I shouldn't be, right?

Catching Up

2009-11-10T08:51:00.003-06:00

I haven't posted for a while. I've just had so much going on in my head that I didn't know where to start. I've been lurking and reading posts though.

Nothing really new and big happening lately. I'm still debating whether or not I like my new job. The job itself isn't too bad, it's just the lady that I work with. She talks SO MUCH. lol Like 7 out of the 8 hours that I'm there. And her whole life is one big drama. Everything is horrible and needs to be focused on her all the time. She'll tell everyone she comes across about some drama or another she's going through, when I'm sure they just don't really care. Like the other day she was upset about something we were told in a meeting, so then once we got into our next meeting proceeded to talk about it for the next 2 1/2 hours. And our meeting was only scheduled to be 1/2 hour. And it was through my lunch. Needless to say I was mad.

Hmmm, I didn't really meant to write that much about her, guess I'm madder at her than I thought! lol

We had our nieces come and stay with us this past weekend. It was wonderful. J and I spent all weekend with them and went to the park and had a bonfire and did crafts. I'll post some pics later. It broke my heart though hearing S, the 9 year old talk to me. Saturday night she couldn't sleep so she came and sat with me and talked for a bit. Her mom, the one that cheated on their dad and left them, has had a series of boyfriends. And apparently these boyfriends beat her up regularly. And she thinks it's normal to tell her 9 year old daughter about this. S is so scared for her mom that something is going to happen to her, that she often can't sleep.

It just kills me that this woman who doesn't want her kids, thinks that she can treat them like this. That she can use them as pawns, and tell them about her horrible life. I know she's not in her right mind, but still. And I know I sound like a broken record when it comes to this situation, but it just blows my mind. I held it together while I was talking with S but after she went back to bed I just lost it. Thank goodness for my wonderful hubby who just holds me and is so strong when it comes to things like this.

A few weeks ago one of the managers in my department came up to me and asked if she could talk to me. She had heard an offhand comment I had made about kids and put two and two together. So she asked me about my infertility. I was a bit hesitant to talk to her as she's quite a high up manager, and it feels weird to talk to someone like that about something so personal. But she then confided that she had struggled with infertility for 7 years and had finally found something that worked for her and that she wanted to sit down and talk to me about it. We didn't get a chance until Friday, and while it was kind of weird at first, it was so nice that this manager took time out of her busy schedule to tell me about it and tell me what worked for her. She went through treatment for immunilogical infertility. This is the link she gave me. Apparently she had been told by Dr's that she'd never get pregnant so to just give up on that dream. But after this treatment she got pregnant - twice. It's some really interesting info, something I think I'll think about, though the cost is pretty high.

Anyways, as usual, this was longer than I intended. Thanks for reading... As I was saying to J last night, I started this blog on a whim, but it's quickly changed into something very important to me. Thank you all for your support, it means SO much.

CD1

2009-10-26T15:41:00.000-05:00

Yep, you read it right...AF showed up today. Sigh...I should be used to this by now...

2009-10-25T23:28:00.002-05:00

You know, sometimes Fac.ebook is wonderful. It enables you to catch up with friends you haven't talked to in years. You're able to catch up on the things of the past 2 or 3 or....10 years....
t
But sometimes, I want to just leave FB. And today was one of those times.....

I have a lot of friends that live in Alberta where I grew up. I happened to stumble upon one friend that I had been thinking a lot about lately. Only to find that she had 2 kids.

The rational part of me thought that "oh I'm so happy for her!!!!!!"

The irrational thought of me thought "what did she do to deserve these children??? Don't I deserve them more??????"

And I realized that that's not healty or positve thinking. It's not a matter of what one person or another did to deserve them. It's just what happens. It's how life goes.

And I heaved a huge sigh.... I need to realize these things. And not just realize...but put them into action in my life.

Anc on anther note....I tested today....BFN. Couldn't be any more negative. I'll leave it a few more days (if I can!!!! and see how it goes). IMaybe it's just AF being stupid...again....

Not that that realization saved me a few tears.

It's just so hard when the last memory you have of this couple is them being a carefree happy couple....and now they're parents of 2 children...in less time than it took you to conceive 1 child.

Mish Mash

2009-10-24T10:32:00.004-05:00

This post is kind of a mish mash, and all over but wanted to post some updates on a few things.

It's been such a busy week for me that I've thought of posting all week and it just hasn't happened. It's so much easier going from Full time to part time then it is the other way around! I've been so tired doing the two jobs. But I keep telling myself that it's for a good cause. That it'll get us to our adoption goal that much faster. And the new job is not too bad. It's busy and challenging, but that's good, it makes the days go by super quickly.

So I've been on Metformin for almost 3 weeks now and so far so good. My stomach has been kind of wonky and sometimes I feel like I need to eat something because it's kind of gurgling, but I haven't felt sick or anything like I know some have. So I feel lucky for that! I also started taking Baby Aspirin this month. I did it way back when but started up again. I figured it can't hurt...

I'm on CD33 and am trying not to freak or think anything. Because usually my cycles go from 22 - 29 days. Almost never do they get over 30 days. So I really, really want to test. But the rational part of me is telling me that it's nothing, that it's just my body being stupid. I should be used to that right? We'll see...I have a couple of tests sitting in my bathroom just calling my name...and I may give in and test tomorrow morning. Unless AF shows up....

I also finally booked myself an appointment for a counsellor. I've thought about doing it for a long while now, but just never had the courage or..something. I've just not been dealing well with things lately. The whole IF thing has just eaten me up. I feel like I'm obsessed, I can't think of anything else. I want to restore some balance in my life, but I'm not sure how...so hopefully she can help me. I get 12 sessions free through a program at work, and they're really booked up so I can't get an appt until the middle of November. But it's something to look forward to.

Well, I'm off to deliver the flowers for the wedding I did this weekend. My last wedding of the year, I can breathe a sigh of relief now!

ICLW

2009-10-21T06:51:00.003-05:00

Welcome all you from ICLW!! This is my first time participating. I thought I'd give a brief synopsis of who I am and what brought me here.

My hubby J and I have been married for 7 years. December will be 6 years since we started TTC. Long story short, along the way I discovered I had Thyroid cancer and had my thyroid removed in 2004. This created a host of other health issues. I had 4 early miscarriages - all before 7 weeks, then developed PCOS after my last one. And haven't been able to get pregnant since. We're considering adoption as we've both agreed the the IVF/IUI route is not what we want to do. But this will unfortunately be some time off because of money issues, and where we're living. So in the meantime we're going to continue to TTC.

I live in Winnipeg, Canada (aka The Great White North!) with my hubby. I work full time doing Administrative/Scheduling work. I also have a Floral business that I started a couple years ago and do on the side. I like to call it my passion, but am not sure if that's the right way to describe it or not.

So there you go, me in a nutshell!

Looking forward to getting to know all of you!!

Struggling

2009-10-20T15:13:00.004-05:00

I'm struggling. I'm really struggling. Trying to come to terms with the fact that I will most likely have to wait for at least couple of years to start the adoption process. Struggling with the fact that I am in the 2WW and keep thinking that every twinge means something. Yet, I should know after 70 cycles, these twinges don't mean anything. That it's just my stupid body. I just feel lost. Like I've lost my direction, my focus. I need to figure something else out beyond this baby stuff, something that will help keep me sane, so that I don't lose myself in all this craziness.

It just hasn't been a good month for me....

Oh, and I received 2 awards that I haven't had a chance to post yet...thank you Hannah...I'll get them up this week....

Funny Story

2009-10-18T10:03:00.002-05:00

OK, this story is too funny to keep in anymore. So, I thought I would share it with all of you to put a smile on your face!

As I've mentioned before, I work at a hospital here in Winnipeg. Every month we organize Educational Rounds for the Doctors and Residents. It's my responsibility to go there and make sure everything is set up. So I did that last week and got there to discover that the Residents presenting that day were having some technical issues. So I get up there and start trying to troubleshoot the laptop and projector to see what's the matter. I wasn't paying much attention to the Doctors sitting down but I vaguely heard them all go silent...then some chatting and a bit of laughing.

I look up to the two male residents to ask them something and they both are smiling...and not looking at me in the face. But I still don't realize that something is wrong.

About 5 minutes later we finally get things working and I start heading towards the back of the room. I had to stop and ask one of the Docs a question. He too wouldn't look at me in the eye. At this point I'm thinking that everyone is sure acting weirdly today.

This Doc answers my question then kind of haltingly asks me "Ummm, did you know that your shirt is unbuttoned????"

I look down and sure enough, 4 of the buttons on my shirt are open...completely showing off my ugly ratty bra!! It must have been open the whole time I was up there - so I gave a peep show to about 50 Doctors - most of them male. I was mortified...beyond mortified. I pretty much ran out the room.

The worst of it?? I had to go back an hour later to pick up all the equipment. And as I walked in...got a nice round of laughter....Ahh, gotta love wardrobe malfunctions! Somehow these things happen to me WAY too often. (Someday I'll tell you all how I lost my skirt while on a date)

Soo, thought I would share this story with you to give you a smile this lovely Sunday morning!

Revising the Dream

2009-10-15T13:14:00.001-05:00

Last night I dreamt about babies. Sweet, chubby little babies that were mine. This isn't a new thing, I dream about them all the time. But last night's dreams really hit me and I woke up with tears on my face. Becuase in my dreams these babies that were mine were taken away from me. All of them were either taken away or died. In real life I've never experienced holding my babies in my arms, I've never felt them kick, I never got beyond 8 weeks pregnant. But it was still a real and huge loss to me. (And I know this has been talked about in a lot of other blogs, that many, many ppl in the IF world experience the same feelings.)

J and I were talking the other day about all this and he asked me "Aren't I enough?". And I didn't know how to answer that. Because in so many ways he is. He is this wonderful, warm amazing man and I feel so blessed every day that I am with him. But how do you explain that great big hole inside of you that nothing can ever quite fill? That your husband, no matter how amazing and wonderful he is, just can't do anything?

So I guess this post is a bit about revising the dream. The dream to be a mother is ever-present in my thoughts. It's what I've been working towards for the last 6 years. Heck, my whole life! It's the one dream that has never changed for me. December 31st will be 6 years since we've started trying. I don't want to give up hope. I can't give up hope because to do so would mean losing a piece of myself. I think I need to revise the dream a bit though and try and focus on other things. Try to find contentment with what I do have. Because for us, having a baby is likely years off. For us to adopt, we need to move to a bigger place. But in the long term, I don't think I want to live here when we have kids. J's family just won't give the kind of support that I need. So that means moving closer to my family. And that means that the money that we do have saved up right now will be used for moving. And then there's the matter of debt. Debt that we want to at least partly pay off before moving. And when it comes to moving, J isn't one to just jump into it. If it were up to me we'd be there next month. But he needs to think about it and plan for it....so in his mind we won't move for at least another year. So long story short...I think I have to figure out what I do have here and what I can do to stay positive until I can fulfull my dream.

This blog seems to have evolved into me complaining about stuff. I know I repeat myself a lot. I know I'm not a great writer. The last couple of months have just been really tough for me. But thank you from the bottom of my heart for sticking with me and reading and thank you for your wonderful comments. They have really kept me going on days that I didn't think I could.

There must be something in the water...

2009-10-11T23:39:00.003-05:00

I swear all my friends are drinking that special fertile water or something. I was having a great weekend. Then I opened my email tonight.... and yes, you guessed it... two more pregnancy announcements. One is a friend who I've talked about my feelings about infertility and how hard it is. I've talked to her about how hard I find it to open my email and get an announcement about how so and so is blissfully pregnant with number 2..or 3. And that's just what she did. Included me in her generic email to everyone about how she's 16 weeks along and everything is wonderful. La di da di da.

I of course sent off a reply that was all sunshine and smiles. Because that's what I do. I hide my feelings and pretend that the world is wonderful and great. (Why DO women do this? Why can't we just admit to each other how hard it is??) And I do that each and every time one of my friends calls or emails or sits me down in person to tell me of their absolutely, positively wonderful news.

But it hurts. It hurts so badly. A piece of my heart gets torn out every time this happens. When does it get to be my turn? Why are all these people getting their second or third or even fourth chance at being a mom...and I have yet to hold MY own baby in my arms? I know these are unanswerable questions. If there were answers we wouldn't all be in this boat.

It just seems so far off. We've decided that adoption is probably the route we'll go. But in order to do that we need to move to a bigger place. Then we need to save up some money for the adoption...so that's at least another year or two away. Then the wait for the actual baby. All I've ever wanted to be is a mom. And that dream seems to be farther and farther away. It just feels like it'll never come. That maybe I should just give up on this dream and move on. But I know that I won't do that. That I'll just work through this pain and find a way. Because to admit that I'll never be a mom....I don't know if I could take that.

New job, Anniversary & Metformin

2009-10-09T12:30:00.002-05:00

Been such a busy week that I've thought of posting but just had enough time to catch up on my reading and make a few comments.

First off, I got a new job. Don't know whether to put exclamation marks there as I'm not sure if I'm excited about it or not. I currently work half time and took another half time job so I'll be working full time. I know that's not a horrible thing, that I can do it, but I'm not sure. I guess my issue is partly that this is not what I want to do. Office work is not my dream, not my favorite thing at all. It was something that I fell into...and then just never found a way to leave. Not that it's horrible, it's just not what makes me happy. Flowers do...but that's a whole other story. By doing my half time job I had time to work on my flowers and time to be creative.

Anyways, this new job will be starting next week. It's really good experience and will be more challenging than my other half time job. It's in the same hospital as I currently work in, just for a different program. So it's all good right?

I'm trying to see it as positive. By working full-time we can get closer to our dream of being in a different place and adopting so much faster. So I have to hold onto that when I feel like I can't do this anymore.

And on another good note, it's my 7th anniversary this weekend! Hard to believe it's been that long. We're not doing much as we can't afford it, but since it's Thanksgiving Weekend here in Canada, we have some extra time to spend together.

Oh, and one other thing....today is Day 1 of Metformin for me. I am cautiously hopeful that it'll do something good for me. That remains to be seen though....

Anyways, running out the door, but wanted to post a quick update of what's happening. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

I Love Awards!

2009-10-08T18:17:00.005-05:00

I was having a crappy day today and came home to find that Wistful Girl had nominated me for an award. Thank you so much, you just made my day!

The Rules:

USE ONLY ONE WORD! It’s not as easy as you might think. Copy and change the answers to suit yourself and pass it on. It’s really hard to use only one-word answers so try your best.
Tag 6 other bloggers and let them know that you think they are 'Over the Top'!

1. Where is your cell phone? Purse

2.Your hair? Blondish

3. Your mother? Calgary

4. Your father? Dead

5. Your favorite food? Souvlaki

6. Your dream last night? weird
7. Your favorite drink? Gin & Tonic

8. Your dream/goal? Mother

9. What room are you in? Bedroom

10. Your hobby? Flowers

11. Your fear? Mice

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Anywhere (But here that is!!)

13. Where were you last night? Home

14. Something that you aren’t? skinny

15. Muffins? Banana

16. Wish list item? House

17. Where did you grow up? Alberta

18. Last thing you did? Drove

19. What are you wearing? Sweats

20. Your TV? Old

21. Your pets? None

22. Friends? Missed

23. Your life? incomplete

24. Your mood? Tired

25. Missing someone? Cousin

26. Vehicle? Toyota

27. Something you’re not wearing? Sweater

28. Your favorite store? Chapters

29. Your favorite color? Blue

30. When was the last time you laughed? yesterday

31. Last time you cried? yesterday

32. Your best friend? Far

33. One place that I go to over and over? In-Laws :-(

34. One person who emails me regularly? Sara

35. Favorite place to eat? Moxies

My Nominees (in no particular order):
1. All Aboard the Pity Boat
2. Getting There
3. My Life After Loss
4. Solo Trekking Through Recurrent Miscarriage
5. Tales of a Batty Nurse
6. Once a Mother

All of these ladies have really touched my heart and have made me feel so lucky to be part of this amazing community! There are so many more that I could have nominated, I found it hard to limit to just 6.

Catching up....

2009-10-05T08:45:00.000-05:00

Wow, I am so behind on my reading. I think I have about 50 unread posts on my reader to get to. I got that nasty cold/flu that's going around (though it wasn't H1N1 to anyone who's wondering!! ;-) and I was in bed all last week. I didn't even go on my computer, which for me, is saying a lot!

The weekend before last we went and spent the weekend with our nieces and their dad. When their mom left, she pretty much trashed the house and took everything so we went out to help him get cleaned up and organized. I spent the day going through all the girls clothes and sorting and doing laundry for them. Their dad really tries, but I think for some guys its hard having 2 little girls and knowing how to deal with their clothes and hair. Anyways, it hit me, as I was surrounded by about 5 loads of laundry, that here I am, wishing, hoping and praying for a baby. Here I am loving playing mom to these beautiful, loving little girls. Here I am surrounded by laundry and toys and the kids mess - and loving every minute of it. And she just threw it all away. Just threw it away like garbage. And that just made me break down. And I'm not an attractive crier, so yep, it wasn't a pretty sight.

Then I got back and got sick and didn't check my email all week. I opened it yesterday to find 2 pregnancy announcements. Then I went on Facebook...and another 2 people were announcing their pregnancies as well. For a couple of them, I was happy, I knew that this was something that they had wanted and planned for. But the other two, well they didn't want more kids, they don't like being mothers. And it just seems so unfair. I know that this is something that all of us in the IF world have to face all the time. It just doesn't get any easier hey? I wish there was a way to take that news and forget about it. Or not let it affect us. Becuase it's like a hangnail that you're slowly ripping away. It hurts more and more as you do it, its just a small wound, but it really, really hurts.

Hopefuly the above makes some sense. I swear, cold medicine makes you lose brain cells!! Hope you're all having a happy Monday.

How would you answer this?

2009-09-22T18:22:00.003-05:00

So at work today I ran into an old co-worker who I hadn't seen in almost 3 years. We started chatting and catching up a bit and she tells me that she just had her second child 3 months ago. The last time I saw her she wasn't even pregnant. So right then I'm feeling kind of crappy. 2 kids in less time than we've even been trying???? And she didn't even want children to begin with.

She then asks me the usual question to come up in a conversation like that: "So, are you going to have kids?"

Instead of just simply saying "not right now" as I could have done, I started blathering on about how we'd had miscarriages and we didn't think we were able to have biological kids. (When I get nervous my mouth tends to run away on itself). She started looking uncomfortable and the conversation ended shortly after that.

I obviously didn't handle it that well, but its just one of those days where this topic is really raw and is front and center on my mind.

How do you answer this question if people ask you? I never quite know how to answer. Do you tell them you've been trying? Do you just tell people "some day"? I've done both, and I never know what is the right answer.

Sept 21st

2009-09-21T11:33:00.001-05:00

So I had a pretty good weekend. I had a wedding to do which always is fun for me. I love seeing the different venues that people pick and the way they've decorated them.

I was going through my journal and found a couple more quotes from that same unknown author ('ve GOT to start writing down where I find these things!!). I thought I'd share them as they reflect a lot of what I've been feeling the past while.

"Let go of your story about your past and how it limits what you can or cannot do. Start your new life where you are right now. Focus forward to what you would like to become. Let go of using the past as an excuse for inaction. Thank the past for getting you this far. Now YOU take charge of creating your new life’s experiences."

"Change your story from scarcity to more than enough. You are more than enough, and you have more than enough. Start with being grateful with what you have and who you are. You’re alive, so you have many more possibilities than a dead person. In a year, you can be living an entirelydifferent life. You can live in a new place. You can feel and look different. You can learn a new skill. You can be richer. You can do that important life changing thing, because you changed your story and acted on it."

I was doing some reading over the weekend about self worth and believing in yourself - and believing that you deserve the things you want. I think that's one of the hardest things - to believe that you are worth it and believe that you do in fact deserve your heart's desire. I don't know when and how that changed for me, but its there and its real. Maybe with the continued health problems, with the repeated miscarriages, with things not going the way I expected, I let myself slip into that way of thinking. I think I've always worried that if I tooted my own horn too much, even deservedly, that I'd get high on myself or some such nonsense. Funny how our minds work.

So I'm trying to work at being positive and accepting of what I have and what I am. In order to be successful on my weight loss journey I need to believe that I deserve it....and that I can do it. I've tried so many times...and failed so many times. Maybe I've set my expectations too high. At any rate, like I said in a previous post, I've got to try. I've got to believe that there is one thing in this whole crazy journey that I can have some control over.

Show & Tell

2009-09-17T12:31:00.003-05:00

Well, for my first Show & Tell, I thought I'd show a few pictures of my passion - doing flowers. I started doing flowers as a hobby and it evolved into a business. I've kept it part time, but it's my full-time passion.

Below are some of the bouquets from this year:

Check out what everyone else is showing this week at Mel's Show & Tell

New Beginnings

2009-09-15T14:32:00.002-05:00

So I'd posted previously about looking to the postive things each day and about having something postive to focus on.

I think I need to start that up again.

One thing that I know I need to focus on again is losing weight. Becuase of my thyroid issues and the PCOS, I'm about 60 pounds heavier than I should be. Yikes, it sounds so much worse when I write it down in black and white. Anyways, there it is, it's out there. Instead of saying that I should do something, I have decided that I am finally GOING to do something. And by doing this, maybe I can feel like I'm taking back my life and body instead of letting my body take over my life. And I have to be completely honest too - it's not just becuase of health problems - I've let myself be an emotional eater and have not made the best food choices much of the time.

I've had this quote kicking around forever but I can't remember where it came from...so if this is yours, I am sorry for not crediting it to you.

"Stop letting your weight define who you are. Focus on your positive traits, talents, and abilities. Concentrate on what it feels like to live in the body you desire, knowing that it is already what your body is at its core – it just needs your permission to be that."

This just hits home for me. Because I think I'm guilty of doing just that. And becuase of that it kind of feels like I've let life slip by me. I don't like going to the beach because I dont like how I look in a bathing suit. I don't go out with the girls as much because I don't like how I look. I'm letting my weight define me and not in a positive way. I'm letting it take over my life. And I'm tired of that. I know that I need to work at being happy, regardless of what weight I am, but I know that being at the right weight is something that is important for me. And I think it'll make me feel that for once I am in charge.

So...back on my eating plan. I joined this awesome plan called Sureslim and has done wonders for me - when I stick to it that is. No more excuses, no more waiting for the right time. The right time is now. My next weigh in is Friday, so I'll make that my actual starting point. I'm going to break it down in 10 pound increments, that way it doesn't seem so unattainable.

Anyone care to join me in my weight loss challenge? We can root each other on.

Explanations

2009-09-14T10:22:00.002-05:00

So this morning I phoned up my Endo's office and begged an appt to explain things a bit futher. As it's a teaching hospital I'm at, she has residents, so one of them graciously offered to come up to my office and sit down with me and go over my file. (sometimes it really pays to work in a hospital and have a boss that's high up on the totem pole! hehe).

Apparently my case is unusual and fairly unique (they've used my case as a case study!!) so I could could consult Dr. Goo.gle all I want and not find what I'm looking for.

So....because of the type of thyroid disease that I had (Hashimoto's) and the type of cancer that I had they have to keep my TSH levels really low. A couple of years ago I actually had some thyroid tissue grow back, not a lot, but enough to cause a bit of havoc in my body. (see, told you I was weird). They've been able to get my TSH levels down and stable but not the thyroid antibodies level for some reason. We've tried so many different meds, but anything else I try seems to affect my TSH levels. So basically I have these antibodies floating around that attack my body - or anything foreign in it. So if I'm pregnant, my body just basically attacks the baby resulting in a m/c. I guess it's more complicated than it sounds becuase I thought there was maybe something else they could do for the antibodies but at this point they've tried all they can do.

And then add the PCOS on top of all this - well my body is just one big hormonal mess.

Sometimes being unique isn't always good...

I'm still waiting to get a referral to the Fertility clinic because maybe just maybe there's something that can be done. I finally have a new Family Doctor so I think that will be underway relatively soon.

Sorry for my slightly hysterical postings of last week. Dare I say I was PMS'ing??

I don't know what to think....

2009-09-10T19:26:00.003-05:00

You know how sometimes you can be at an appointment and listen to the Doctor talk and tell you about things but you don't really take it all in? And then sometime later...your brain suddenly goes..."ding" and things suddenly become clear?

Well that just happened to me....

I posted earlier about getting put on Metformin...and that was all fine. But all of a sudden my brain did that "ding" thing and I remembered that my Endo started talking about my actual chances of things working for me. And they're not good. Not good at all.

Because of having thyroid cancer they now have to keep my TSH levels really low. Like at the Hyperthyroid levels. Because of the type of cancer that I had, there are chances that I could still get it back. Its not something that I honestly really worry about. Maybe I should, but I know that I couldn't live life always wondering if it was coming back. So it's just part of the past, something that happened and I only really think about it when I have my Endo visits.

Well I guess it's something that I should have been thinking about. Because this, combined with the PCOS, is the reason that it will be highly unlikely that I will ever get and stay pregnant. The PCOS really only developed in the last couple of years which explains why I was able to get pregnant before, though losing the babies was because of the thyroid disease, or so they think.

I can take the Metformin and it may even possibly work and get me pregnant. But the chances of me carrying the baby to term are pretty slim.

I am lucky enough to have a Doctor as my boss, so I asked him if this was true. Without knowing all the ins and outs of my case, he said yes, it was pretty likely.

So....that is that.... I can take the Metformin...but then what? Am I just going to be faced with more heartache? Do I just take it and pretend to myself that it's just to get my blood sugar regulated? Or do I take that chance?

I just don't know what to think...

J is feeling kind of numb too, so both of us are having a hard time thinking rationally about this.

I'm sorry that this is another long, negative post, I just needed to get it out.

Endo Visit

2009-09-10T12:22:00.002-05:00

Well just got back from my Endo . Deep down I was kind of thinking that this would be the answer to everything. Or at least hoping that it would be. I think it's that I want something that will work right now. Not a month or three down the road...but RIGHT NOW this instant. The rational part of me knows that won't happen, but the irrational part can still think it, right?

So she's put me on Metformin. No guarantee that it'll work. I mean, I know there's no guarantee about any meds or treatments, but its been so long that I just want something to work. And for it to work NOW.

Anyways....

It just seems like there's been so much going on the past week or so that I haven't even felt like posting...though I have done a bit of lurking. lol.

J's cousin is up to her old tricks again and disappeared - and pretty much cleaned out the house of their stuff - all to move in with her new "boy-toy". She didn't tell her kids good-bye, didn't say anything to anyone. Her husband and kids only found out after they hadn't heard from her for a bit and went home and found the place ransacked (they'd been living with his family while they figured things out). They tracked her down and she said that she didn't want anything to do with the family or kids. But then yesterday she popped up at the girls school and told them that she still wants to be in their lives. T, the 6-year old really doesn't get it, but S. who is 9, is having a horrible time and thinks its all her fault that mommy left. Just breaks my heart. And I let it get to me. So much so that I just can't focus on all the other things that need focusing on.

J and I made the decision to not try IVF, or IUI. Just too expensive and not a high enough success rate. So that left us with trying the Metformin and maybe Clomid down the road and adoption. The great big doubting part of me doesn't think that any of the meds will work - that it'll have to be adoption. Yet I haven't made the move yet to call any of the adoption agencies. So maybe just maybe, under all of this doubt, there is a little niggle of hope that the Met will work...and I'll get my BFP. And a BFP that will stick...

I really don't know. I think I just need to sleep, then I'll maybe be able to see things in a positive light.

Decisions

2009-08-31T16:44:00.002-05:00

So DH and I sort of came to a decision on the weekend. And I think I'm good with it.

After reading a gazillion or so blogs and reading about people's experience with IVF and the like, I think I have decided that it is not for me. I just don't think I could go through all that uncertainty...and not know for sure that it will work. And the cost....DH's insurance doesn't cover anything like that, so it would be out of pocket. I really admire all of you that have gone this route. I know its not an easy route, there are so many ups and downs.

I feel weak admitting that I couldn't do that. I feel like I should maybe consider it. But I know myself, and I know how much just being IF has made me feel insane. I'm just scared that going through all the uncertainty of those treatments...and then having them not work....will just push me over the edge. Maybe I'll change my mind once I finally get a referral to the Fertility clinic. I'll still try medications or anything like that, just not the IVF or any procedure like that.

So, that then leaves us with fostering and adoption. I'm actually okay with that idea. I am a bit worried that they'll disqualify DH and I since we both are on anti-depressants. Does anyone know if that is an issue? I was reading something about adopting from China and that's something that would disqualify you. DH and I just want to do Domestic adoption, even though that probably means a longer wait.

So this decision is still a long ways off since we need to move into a bigger place. That of course brings up the question of if we even want to stay in Manitoba. Given the choice, I would say no. None of my family is here, just DH's, and they are not supportive. But chances are that we'd maybe get a baby sooner here rather than in a bigger centre.

Sigh...so many decisions.
Thanks all for your support - you rock!!

I caved...

2009-08-25T08:51:00.001-05:00

So I created this blog as a place for me to get my feelings and thoughts out. And I promised myself that I would be honest about my feelings and actions - even if I'm not so proud of them.

So...I have to admit that last night I caved in. Not just a little bit...but a LOT.

I was shopping at Superstore and wandered into their clearance section. Now I don't know if any of you shop there, but their Joe line is just awesome. So after looking at the nice adult stuff, I wandered over to the childrens clothes. And while I was there something happened. My shopaholic tendancies came out in full force. I started picking up the cute shoes and little outfits that were $3 or $4 each and throwing them into my cart. And, I have to admit, that I didn't stop at just one item. When I was done, I walked out with a bag and a half of clothes. A bag and a half!!

Part of me was trying to justify it to myself that I was doing this for baby gifts - yeah, that must have been it....

But once I got home and spread all my bounty out on my bed, I was forced to admit that I had bought it for myself and for the babies that I one day hope I will have - but have started fearing that I never will. And that made me cry.

Has anyone else gone and bought baby stuff?

Wedding Flowers...and Bridezillas!!

2009-08-24T12:22:00.001-05:00

Have I mentioned that I HATE bridezillas? I do wedding flowers as my side job. It's normailly something that I absolutely love and enjoy. I've done it for about 5 years, so I have a pretty good idea of how things should go and how they should look. And most of the brides I deal with are awesome, they respect my opinion and are more than willing to leave any creative elements up to me.

Well...enter Bridezilla....actually QUEEN of Bridezillas.

Right from day one she questioned my opinions and decisions and changed her mind so often that I literally filled half a notebook with notes and changes for her wedding alone.

You want to know what the worst of all of this is? She is (was) a friend of mine. She asked if I would do her flowers, and because she's a friend, I said that I would only charge her the cost of the flowers and not charge for labor. It was to be my wedding present to her.

I've done weddings for friends before and have NEVER had a problem. It feels so special to be doing flowers for someone you love and care about. I look forward to that. And they always appreciate what I do.

But right from day one she was a Bridezilla...

She got upset over the price of the flowers - she wanted Calla Lilies which are one of the most expensive flowers - you're not going to get a bunch of them for $20 like you would roses.

She added to the order...so of course the price went up - and she got upset at that.

She couldn't make up her mind about the centerpieces and told me that my ideas were so out of date and that she'd just have to look for pictures herself..("Fine" said I...spend time looking...I guaruntee you'll choose one of my designs. Which she did. And I was nice (too nice) and didn't even point that out to her)

After all of this, she calls me up one day and says that she wants to sign a contract because it would be better for both of us and make us both happier. I just about lost it. I should have cancelled right then and there....

I told her that I only sign contracts for customers that are paying me and that this protects them from any price changes. But she insisted, so I told her I'd have to charge her a service fee so that if prices did change, that we'd both be protected. She kicked up a fuss about that but in the end signed it.

And I think our friendship died right there. I know that this was a business transaction really, but ultimately it was a gift for her. Instead of paying the $1000-$1200 that she'd normally be spending, she only had to pay $350.

Anyways, (sorry this is so long!), I get to the reception hall to set up the centerpieces on Saturday and am given a list by the Site Coordinator of things that they wanted me to do - and things that the Coordinator was to check on to make sure that I did things to their specifications. Needless to say I was royally TICKED. At least I wasn't the only one who'd had problems with this bride.

Its so frustrating when this was a person who I've spent a lot of time with over the past few years and this is what she's like?

All of this was to be my lead-in to today's happy thought, but once I got writing it ALL came out (lol), so thank you if you've stayed with me throughout this long post!

I am very blessed to have a thriving part-time home business doing wedding flowers. It started out as a hobby and turned into a business kind of by accident. It's something that I absolutely love and it's my creative outlet. Not many people can say that they have a job (even if it's P/T) that they love. I'm very blessed to be able to have this outlet in my life and for all these brides to be willing to let me do their flowers for their special days.

Thank you all for your kind comments. Starting this blog was't something I gave a lot of thought to, but now that I have, I don't know how I did without it!

Aug 20th

2009-08-20T10:27:00.002-05:00

OK, let's start with the positive thought of the day...

I am really thankful for my husband. Throughout this whole long drawn out process he has been amazing. Holding my hand when I can't stop crying, running me a bath when I'm just feeling down, knowing when to hug me to help me get through the day. Without him I would be lost. I am a lucky woman to have someone who loves me so totally and unconditionally. I know that sometimes I forget this and wonder why he couldn't do this or that for me. But then I stop and remember all that he has done...and feel so completely blessed. Thank you J, I love you.

If you just want to stay with the postive...then stop reading here. Today isn't a good day, so below is a long post about my emotions over the past couple of days.

I'm not sure exactly why the last couple of days has been so hard, but I feel like I have just been obsessed with baby stuff. I know that I said I was going to try and be more positive, to focus on the good things. I do realize that I do have a lot of good things going on in my life. But this waiting game sucks. And its not like I'm even doing the TWW. I guess I could, but I know that there's really no point. I'm not going to get pregnant, and if I did, it wouldn't last much longer than me peeing on the stick anyhow. I have my appointment with my RE September 10th, so at least there is something to look forward to. If I could ever get into my Family Doc, I could check on the status of my referral to the Fertility Clinic. But since I can't get an appointment until the end of October, and he has "lost" the referral twice before, I am not holding out much hope. I am just hoping that my RE can work miracles and do SOMETHING, just something to make me feel like I'm moving forward instead of just stuck in never-never land. I just want to sit in a heap and cry for all my lost babies...and the babies that right now, I feel like I'll never have.

Sorry for the long post...and the negativity. I just can't suck it up enough today to be the happy person that I know I can be.

Ponderings...

2009-08-18T10:41:00.001-05:00

On the weekend I was sitting around the campfire, watching the flames and listening to the waves hit the dock and realized that all too often I don't take the time to sit and enjoy what is around me. I think in our IF journey, its so easy to get caught up in the misery and emotion of it all and not take time to sit back and enjoy all the beautiful things around us. I know for myself, I don't tend to realize what good things I do have going on in my life. My mind seems to go to the negative so easily. We want to be positive, we want to look at the good things happening to us, but getting BFN after BFN, and one failed treatment after another...our ability to remain happy and positive gets eroded, one step at a time. I so often tell myself that I will start focusing on the postive things in my life, only to have another letdown and I get right back on that negative downward spiral.

And of course, there is so much focus in the media on having children; they're almost viewed as a necessary accessory...and that's hard when everywhere you turn, every store you go into, there are pictures and reminders of how you've failed. You aren't cool, you aren't acceptable because you can't shop for baby items or maternity clothes.

But I digress....

I made a resolution to myself, call it my Mid-Year Resolution, that I will write one thing every day that I am thankful for or that I have good in my life. Maybe that will help me to remain focused and more positive on this journey. It's been a long one for me - 5 1/2 years, so I've had many ups and downs, but finally (maybe...hopefully), I can approach this with...I don't know, some calmness?? I know there will be the negative times, the days when I just can't see past what I'm dealing with, but maybe by writing this, it'll be a record for me during those dark times.

Aug 13th

2009-08-13T09:40:00.006-05:00

Thanks for all the comments ladies...it really has helped to log in here and know that other people understand and know what I'm going through. I haven't felt this kind of support in a long time as most of my friends and family are the type that have gotten pregnant when they wanted.

I've been in a real funk the past couple days so haven't wanted to post or do anything. But the pity party has got to stop. It's not helping me...and it's making poor J worry and wonder what he can do. Poor guy, he tries so hard but just doesn't know what to do some days when I get in my baby funk. I guess I just have to keep trying to believe that it WILL happen for us when the time is right.

J and I are getting ready to go camping this weekend. I'm really looking forward to it as we're going to our favorite spot in Manitoba, a beautiful campground called Black Lake. We're having a few friends come out with us which is always good as it provides some good distraction. I know I shouldn't drink or anything....but we're taking a bit of a break this month...and I really need to relax...so I'm bringing a case of my favorite coolers and sitting by the lake. I'm hoping to regain a bit of perspective and come back recharged and refreshed.

I was going through my pictures as I wanted to get some printed and came across this one of my nieces...it just makes me smile every time I look at it so I thought I'd share with all of you as well. This is them trying to be "cool". lol

Have a great weekend everyone!

Its been 4 Years...

2009-08-11T10:16:00.002-05:00

Yay, I have followers!

Feeling really sad today. Today is the 4 year anniversary of my first miscarriage. Normally I can remember the day, but not obsess over it. But today, that's all I can think about. I feel like I've wasted time...that maybe I should have pushed my Dr more to get more tests done, to get on medication...to do SOMETHING more. Then that way maybe I'd be holding a baby now.

I know a bit part of why I didn't push more was because of my health and trying to get my weight down. But it still hurts.... I guess I'm thinking about it and reflecting more on it since turning 30 was such a big deal to me, in my mind getting here without having a child feels like I've failed. The rational part of me knows that I still have time, that I'm still young (don't you hate it when people say that??), but my heart is just aching.

I can't really say much more than that today...

On a funny note...I am still laughing at my niece whose favorite song is "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga. She sings the chorus as "Cutie pie, Cutie pie...I like your booger face". And she honestly thinks that's how it goes. Ahh, to be 6 and innocent again. It makes me laugh to hear that song now.

So Mad

2009-08-10T08:53:00.003-05:00

Its amazing what just reading through others blogs and reading the comments people leave for you can do for your soul. Thank you everyone.

I'm so angry right now. First off, we had a great weekend with our nieces, but we can sure see how much they are affected by all that is going on with their parents. They just wanted to be held and hugged all weekend and wouldn't let me out of their sight. Poor things. But what really got me was their mother calling me in tears yesterday about the possibility that she might be pregnant. Now, long story short...she cheated on her husband, not just once...but multiple times. She called me because as she said "You know all about that pregnancy stuff - I didn't have to try with my kids, I just got pregnant by accident". So she wanted to know what the chances of her getting pregnant were b/c she had slept w/ this one guy 14 days into her cycle and now her period is late. I was just thinking that I couldn't believe she'd have the nerve to call me and ask me, especially knowing what we've gone through. She was so upset because she doesn't want to be pregant again. I just wanted to hang up on her, but I was nice...just for the sake of the girls. I'm so scared that if we do something she doesn't like she won't let us have access to the girls...and that would kill me.

Why is it that people who don't deserve this can just get pregnant at the drop of a hat? I know I've ranted a bit about this on previous posts, it just really bothers me. If she really is pregnant...oh, I'm going to have such a hard time. I guess I will cross that bridge if it comes.

So I pulled my pile of fertility/PCOS books out again last night and I think I'm going to read through them again. I bought the book "Fertility Foods" last week so I'm going to try some of the suggestions in there. Has anyone else read or used this book? I need to feel like I'm doing something to help me get there...even if it won't work....

Surrounded.....

2009-08-07T11:46:00.000-05:00

I'm having a hard time this morning. J's cousin has 2 girls that are 6 and 8. We're really close to them so we call them our nieces, they call us aunty and uncle. They're coming this weekend to stay with us as their parents are going through a messy divorce and the girls need some solid, stable attention. J. gets mad at me because I seem to go overboard on buying things for them. I scour the second hand shops or sale racks for nice used clothing for them and always have at least one bagful when they come. He thinks that I shouldn't be spending that kind of money on them. But as I argued with him last night - I don't have kids to buy for, so I HAVE to buy for them. It makes me happy to be able to buy childrens clothes. Maybe that's a weird attitude, but I guess I feel sometimes that I'm never going to get there - that I'm never going to have a baby of my own, so I maybe do go overboard in the buying department, I don't know.

Its so hard when I go on Facebook and see yet another friend posting news that they're pregnant or pictures of their children. One friend has had 4 children in the time we've been trying to have one. Mind you, I don't really envy her having 4 children under the age of 5, but it's the fact that she pretty much just has to look at her husband (as she puts it) and she gets pregant and that really gets to me. It just feels like I'm surrounded from every side by baby stuff and sometimes the only way I can keep sane is by going shopping for my nieces. And knowing that their mother didn't want them...that she never wanted children and said that she started being unhappy the moment she got pregnant makes me so upset. And knowing that she has told people that we wouldn't be good parents, while she's the one who ignores her children...that upsets me too. But that's a whole other story.....

I guess I'm writing to try and justify it all. Can anyone else relate to this?

People

2009-08-06T08:45:00.002-05:00

You know those well meaning people that when finding out that you are having troubles conceiving tell you "well if you just relax it will happen to you - that's what happened for me" or "maybe its God's will that it hasn't happened for you yet" or "if you do this or this you'll get pregnant"? Well I came across not 1 but 3 of them yesterday. Talk about a kick in the gut. I know that they mean well, that they're just trying to console me, but really, it's not any help. It just feels like a slap in the face. If I had done those things would I be pregnant? What am I talking about - I HAVE done all those things and more. I know they mean well...and most of the time I can just brush it off and forget about it. Everything is just so raw right now that these comments just bring me down.

Then to top it all off, as I was waiting for the elevator at work this morning I am surrounded by 2 women in labor (I work at a hospital) and once the elevator door opens...someone bringing home their baby and grinning from ear to ear.

What the heck?? Is EVERYONE else pregnant but me?? I know that's not true, especially after reading some of the blogs...but being surrounded like this just is not helping.

The story

2009-08-05T11:24:00.003-05:00

Well we're back from Ottawa. was a really good visit with my family. It gave me the strength and perspective that I really needed.

I decided that I am going to stop procrastinating and finally get that appointment with the fertility clinic. I have a really horrible Family Dr. who has delayed setting me up for an appointment for quite a while, but I am going to go back and insist that I get one. From the tests that he has done and the tests that my Endocrinologist has done, I am pretty sure that the issue is my PCOS. I want to get J tested though to make sure that his little guys are doing what they should. Since he works with paint and a lot of chemicals, I'm hoping that that hasn't affected anything. I know that I can get pregnant - though it does take me a long time, so I guess that is a good sign. I just can't keep the pregnancy.

J an I have been TTC for about 5 1/2 years. 5 years ago I found out that I needed to get my thyroid removed, and once it was out, we found out that it was cancerous. I was one of the "lucky" ones who didn't have to have Chemo or anything like that. We did take a brief break while I healed but then tried getting back to TTC. At the time I thought it would happen, maybe it would take a bit, but that it wouldn't be all that difficult. A year went by...then we got pregnant. I no sooner realized that I was pregant then I miscarried. It was brutal. We took a couple months break then tried again...another year went by...and another pregnancy and miscarriage.... A couple of months later....another miscarriage. We talked to my Family Dr. who sent me for a bunch of tests, but everything came back normal. (well normal in his books. I've found out that he frequently will not tell me results if the level is a little bit off).

I finally talked to my Endocrinolgist last year about my infertility (dumb me never thought to bring it up sooner to her). We did blood work every month for about 6 months and discovered that I only seem to ovulate from one ovary, so every other month. At any rate, she didn't want to put me on any PCOS meds at that piont but wanted to focus on getting my thyroid levels stabalized. We've since managed that so now at my appointment in September I'll be starting on Metformin to see if that helps. I'm so impatient, I just want to start it now, but I guess I can look at these few months as a time for me to get my body as strong and healthy as I can.

I'm sure that my Endo will help, but I still want to do the Fertility Clinic appt too. What if there's something that she has missed?

I don't know that J and I want to go the IUI or IVF route - or even that we could afford it. So hopefully the drugs will have the desired effect and do what they're supposed to.

Phew, this is a long post, but I guess I felt like I needed to get the whole story out and written down.

Today's the day

2009-07-29T14:53:00.003-05:00

Well...it's happened...I've officially turned 30. And the world hasn't ended! ha ha

All kidding aside, it's been a hard day. It really hit home yesterday and it's been on my mind all day today. Its not like I feel like a different person. It's not like anything really even changed. Its just knowing that this means a readjustment of my hopes and dreams. Obviously it's not going to happen right now, but maybe in the future. I guess I always thought that if I had a baby at the same age as my mom that I'd turn out like her somehow. And now I've passed that age. So does that mean I'm home free? That remains to be seen.

J and I have been talking about adoption and fostering. Both good ideas, both things I'd like to do. But both of them require us to move into a bigger place. So again, it feels like I have to put dreams on hold. I know that if we got pregnant we'd have to move too, but I guess I just feel like if we were in the right place we could start the foster/adoption process and I could have something to work towards, something to look forward to. I do know that the place we live in now is good for us right now because it means that we can get debt down...and it means that I can work part time which has done wonders for my mental health.

So many things to think about....

J and I are heading off to Ottawa tonight for a family wedding so at least I'll be distracted for the next few days.

Day 1...

2009-07-28T14:12:00.002-05:00

Wow, well I've finally done it...finally started a blog where I can get my feelings out about this whole long, drawn out process of infertility and all that goes with it. My hubby J and I officially threw out the BCP in January of 2004, so this road has been a long long one for us.

I could sit and write about all the stuff we've gone through to get to this point, but today, I just don't have it in me. Tomorrow I will be 30. Now I know you're probably thinking that I'm still young, that I still have lots of time. But to me 30 is a HUGE thing. It almost feels like a failure that I haven't been able to get pregnant before now. I know that isn't good thinking and it's something that I'm struggling against...but its still there. I always thought growing up that by the time I was 30 I would be done having my family. My husband and I would have at least 2 children and would be a happy little family unit. I of course dreamed of the white picket fence and a dog and a beatiful house to go along with it, but those were never requirements for me. The kids were the most important thing to me. I didn't (and don't) care if I never own a house, if I never get to have the perfect setting, I just want to be a mom, however that happens.

So tomorrow, as hard as I am trying to not let it, feels like a huge deal to me. It feels like its, well not exactly the end of a dream, but, I guess the end of the way I've thought for the past 30 years. I know that there is more time, that really, this is only the beginning, but it's just so hard. I don't expect miracles, I really don't expect much at all.

But, as July 29th stares me in the face, I guess I do have to change my way of thinking. I have to start thinking that this will happen whenever its right for us. I've cried so many tears over the past 5 years that for the moment, I'm cried out.

Anyways, I could write a lot more, but I think this is enough for my first post. I'll hopefully be able to update this every few days as we proceed in our journey, but we'll see how it goes. Thanks for reading!