I've been really struggling the last couple of weeks. Yeah, I know, it seems like "what else is new?" but I have had a few good days. But it seems like the bad is out-weighing the good lately.
J often asks me to put into words what I'm feeling about this whole process. But how do you explain the soul-sucking, gut-wrenching ride that is IF? I have so much love to give, so much mothering to distribute and no one to give it to.
Most of our family tell me that I do too much for our nieces. They're the ones whose mom had left and they're with their dad. And their dad is the type that likes to take advantage of a situation. I"ll buy them some clothes or something, and he'll tell me that they need new winter coats and winter boots and would I mind looking out for something for them? And won't give me money for it. But I just ignore that (stupid, I know) because I can mother them. Because they are needy...and I have so much to give. But it makes J frustrated to see me getting taken advantage of.
I know that we have our appointment at the Fertility clinic next week but I'm so scared. I'm so scared that it won't work. That we'll never be parents...and then what? I feel like I should be able to just be happy with J. That he should be enough. How do I explain to him...and myself, that it's not? That being a mom is something that is just part of who I am? That a huge part of me just feels empty?
Sigh...this probably makes no sense at all....
*hugs* I'm sorry your having such a hard time. I hope that your meeting at your fertility clinic goes well and you come up with a good plan. I know it's hard to get started and go through it, but if you don't try it will never happen.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you are having a hard time. I can understand wanting to give so much to your nieces, though. It really is a shame that their dad is taking advantage, but I'm glad that you are there for them. I hope the appointment at the clinic goes well.
ReplyDeleteIt does make sense. I sometimes wish I had a baby close to me to focus some of my attention on. As far as your nieces? As long as you are aware that you're not going to get money etc from Dad you are still doing something good for them and they will remember that when they're older.
ReplyDeleteThere is no doubt that you love your nieces. It really sucks that their father is totally taking advantage of it. I feel like that sometimes with my niece and so when it comes to buying her something that she NEEDS and is pricer, I just ask them straight out to give me the money and I would be more than happy to purchase it for them. They're actually ok with that because it saves them time.
ReplyDeleteBut I know how hard it can be sometimes because you want the best for your nieces and it hurts when you are not appreciated for your efforts. Your nieces know that you love them regardless. They need a mother figure or a positive role model, and you serve as both.
I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time. I hope the appt goes well next week.
It completely makes sense...and we've all been there, so let it out! If it helps you get things off your chest or put them in perspective or whatever, then do it. That's what we're here for. :)
ReplyDeleteI know that your nieces (and their dad, even if he doesn't realize it) are so blessed to have you. They'll remember all that you've done for them and the times when you were the one who was there for them and your relationships will be richer for it, I think.
Hang in there, girl. Fingers crossed that you and the RE can communicate well and will get a good plan mapped out. Don't forget to ask any questions you might have (I had to make a list so I wouldn't forget anything!), take notes, and generally be a pain if you have to in order to get some answers/plans. :)
Hugs!
Definitely makes sense. I have a really hard time putting those feelings into words too. Sometimes I can deal with them, sometimes I can bury them, and sometimes they just totally overwhelm me. I'm sorry you are feeling crappy :( *hug*
ReplyDeleteIt makes perfect sense and I feel the exact same way. It's almost painful to not have a baby in my arms at times.
ReplyDeleteThat guy is absolutely taking advantage of you, but you're sweet for doing what you're doing. Those poor little girls.
Totally makes sense. I have felt just the same way. Your nieces are very lucky to have someone like you, whether you're buying them what they need or just being there for them.
ReplyDeleteIt makes sense. I have felt that way. And it is so frustrating and "soul sucking" is a great way to describe it. Hang in there--it will get better!
ReplyDelete