Weekend

I had a pretty good weekend. I haven't been sleeping well, so ended up calling in sick on Friday as I had had about 5 hours sleep between Tuesday and Thursday. (And I think I'll be able to function with no sleep when I have kids??). But staying home was just what I needed. I made myself just sit and read and relax.

Friday night we went to a friends house. They invited another friend who lives out of town who has 3 kids - 22 month old twin girls and a 4 year old girl. I was a bit nervous about it because, as you all know, being presented with evidence of fertileness can sometimes really hurt. But it actually turned out to be a really good evening.

After we had finished dinner I realized that J and the twins had disappeared so I followed the sound of the giggling and saw J sitting on the floor with the twins playing with them. The sight just about made me cry. I stood there and watched for a few minutes and saw the joy and happiness on his face as he interacted with the girls. It just made me realize how much I want to see him as a dad. How much I want to see that joy on our face over our baby. I sat on the floor for a bit and played with him and the girls, it just felt so good!

After going back to the living room, the inevitible "When are you going to have kids?" came up. In the past I've tried to sidestep that question and not give details, but at this point, after all this time, I want people to know that's it's not always easy. So I told them what's going on and that we are planning to adopt. They asked me if I thought I was missing out by not considering IVF and being able to have our own biological child. I said no, and I really believe that. I just know that IVF isn't the path for us. Adoption feels right, it feels like it is the right path for us. It's so frustrating though when people question your choices and make you question yourself and if what you really believe is true.

Another thing that I'm worried about. My mom and I don't have the best relationship. It's been like that my whole life and unless she comes to realize what she's like and what she's done, it will stay that way. I was talking to her on the weekend and told her that we were going to adopt. All she said was "oh" and changed the subject. I want all my family to support me on this. I want to know that this child will be considered their grandchild, niece/nephew etc even though there's not a biological link. My mom lives far away and I don't see her that often so it's not like she'd be a direct part of the child's life, but I still feel like that little kid who is wanting their parents approval. My family in Ontario is amazing and will give us that 110% support that I am needing which I am so thankful for.

It's never easy, is it?

The results are in.....

...and it's Fibroids! Not what I was expecting at all. They did find a few cysts, but found a lot of fibroids. None of them were huge, but there seemed to be a lot of them. There were some areas that the Dr. dictating the report said he couldn't really see so he suggested getting an MRI done. So they're scheduling me for that. They're also talking about putting me on BCP's for a few months to regulate my hormones and hopefully help with the brutal periods I've been having.
I'm so glad they found something...that this pain and everything isn't all in my head!
I'll go for some bloodwork next week then go back in a couple of weeks and we'll figure things out from there.

Plans

Again, I haven't posted much lately. There just doesn't seem to be much going on. I'm still not feeling well. Just SO tired, like going to bed at 8:00 every night tired. Not sure why. I have a Dr. appointment tomorrow afternoon to get the results of my ultra.sound so we'll see how that goes!

I went to my first career counselling appointment last week and it was pretty cool. I was thinking that I'd just have to go for one appointment and I'd leave knowing what I should be doing with my life. LOL. It's apparently more complex than that! She sent me home with the Mye.rs Brig.gs personality test. Have any of you ever done that? I've done it before and I'm sure this result will be the same. I just find stuff like that so fascinating. I go see her again on Monday which is good.

It's funny, as the date looms closer to my 6 year mark of TTC, I'm finding that I'm more at peace with it. Or maybe I've managed to convince myself that I'm at peace and things will come crashing down the next time I get a pregnancy announcement from a friend. At any rate, I'm trying so hard to not be obsessed over this. To realize that there is life beyond this. I feel like its consumed me for so long and that I've neglected all the things that I used to find interesting.

J and I made a (sorta) firm plan as to our future. In March we're going to start looking for a bigger place. Then we'll give ourselves a couple of months to get settled and then start on our adoption process. I had spoke about me not being patient in one of my last posts. That's the thing that will stop this plan from working! I really want to call CFS and get an appointment made, especially as I've read on some message boards that public adoption through the gov't can take years and years. I don't know. What do you think? Should I call and at least get part of the process underway?

Our other dilemma is whether to just stick with CFS or also go with a private agency. Doing it privately will cost a lot. But we do have the money set aside for it - well, that money was supposed to be a down-payment on a house, but its there and can be used. So we're not quite sure what the right option for us is. I'm just so scared with either option that they'll deem us unworthy somehow. But I guess that's the chance we have to take.

Update

Well, just got back from my date with the dildo-cam. It. fricken.HURT!! Did not expect that. I've had it done before, but I'm sure that it didn't feel anything like it did today. Has anyone else experienced this?

I think they found a lot of cysts or whatever as they spent a lot of time on the right side and kept talking about trying to count how many there were and how to measure them. And when I say they, I mean the technician went and got her supervisor who after looking at the screen then went and got her supervisor. So I'm hoping that it was just a weird cyst or something they were looking at. Or that I have weird ovaries...or something of that sort.

I've been in a lot of pain the last couple of months and my last AF was BRUTAL. So I'm hoping that this test will show something...anything....I'll know the results in about a week.

So I wrote this great post a couple of times about patience - and my lack of it. But both times it disappeared...so I guess that's a sign that I shouldn't have been writing about it! I'm just having a hard time with being patient. I've waited for so long, and it feels like for nothing. I'm trying so hard to keep a positive attitude about where we're at in this journey. Even though after 6 years we don't have a baby, J and I are closer than we've ever been. So, if nothing else, I'm lucky that this time has allowed me and J to work on our relationship. I think we'll need it; going into the Foster/Adoption process is going to take a whole other level of togetherness.

Well, this post probably makes no sense whatsoever. I'm tired and achey and hungry. I'm screwing the diet tonight and having my favorite comfort food - mac.aroni and che.ese. Thanks ladies for your patience and for reading this far! Your support - it means the world to me.

Oops

So I got my ultrasound appointment info by mail yesterday and noticed that it just said pelvic ultrasound. When I saw the original req it said Pelvic and Vaginal ultrasound. So thinking that the clinic had missed something, I phone the Diagnostics department to find out.

My conversation went a little like this:

Me: Hi, I'm calling to find out if I was booked for a just a pelvic ultrasound or a pelvic and vaginal ultrasound.
Clerk: Pardon? I can't hear you.
Me: ( a bit louder) I'm calling to find out if I was booked for a just a pelvic ultrasound or a pelvic and vaginal ultrasound.
Clerk: Sorry? I still can't hear you, there's construction behind me.
Me: (very loudly now) I'm calling to find out if I was booked for a just a pelvic ultrasound or a pelvic and vaginal ultrasound!!
Clerk: I'm so sorry, I didn't quite catch the last part.
Me: (almost yelling) Vaginal ultrasound!!!!

Right then I hear a throat clearing behind me and turn around to see my boss and her boss standing there with uncomfortable looks on their faces. Ummm, can you say awkward???

Worst of all? Had I just consulted Dr. Goo.gle, or talked to one of my co-workers I might have realized that a Pelvic ultrasound includes a vaginal ultrasound. Something it would have been nice to know before I made that call.....

Something exciting

I've been looking for awhile now for a volunteer opportunity. For something that would really speak to me, for something that I could feel really good about.

So last week I saw a posting to be a mentor for children who are in the Foster system. And I just about got up and danced around my office. This is exactly what I've been waiting for! I sent off my resume and got an almost immediate response back - I'm meeting with CFS on Wednesday! I'm really excited about this, not just because it's something that will probably benefit us when we get to the Foster/Adopt program, but because it's something I really do feel strongly about. It's something that will let me help others, really help. It's something that will hopefully help me feel a little more fulfilled in my life. There's no guaruntee that I'll actually be approved to do it, but here's hoping!

And I got my ultrasound appointment, but it's not until December 7th. So much for right away. Oh well, at least I have a date in mind.

Well it's off to do some more commenting. I hope you all have a great night!

November ICLW

Hi everyone and welcome to ICLW! This is my second one and I'm pretty excited. I had such a great time "meeting" new people last month and discovering new blogs.

For more information on my journey, please click here.

So I saw a couple of people do this last month and thought it was pretty cool. Instead of another blurb about my journey, I thought I would open this blog up to questions from all of you instead. Ask anything and everything, just leave your questions in the comment section and I'll answer them in my next post.

Now I'm off to check out the ICLW List!